Commentary: Getting 'those people' to straighten up and fly right


The General Assembly is back in session, thank the Lord; now, we'll have some protection against Those People.

Take, for instance, the bill Republicans have introduced to require drug tests for anyone applying for unemployment checks. We certainly don't want to give taxpayers' hard-earned money to some druggie just because he's out of work.

Gov. Haley's all for this idea. Last year she pointed out that half of the applicants for jobs at the Savannah River Site were being disqualified because they failed a drug test.

Sure, she later had to retract her claim after learning that the actual rejection rate was only about one percent, but her main point was correct: You just can't be too careful with Those People.

I know that to qualify for unemployment pay, a person must have been laid off - not fired or quit. And, yeah, I understand that while an unemployment applicant was working, he paid taxes...And that his wife and kids may go hungry unless he gets the measly $300 bucks or so a week that South Carolina doles out...Yadda, yadda...

Doggone, it chaffs my soul to imagine that Those People are spending MY money to buy dope. I can just see Those People, sitting on the front stoop with their buddies, grinning, talking trash - while I'm busting my chops...

I especially like another bill that would require Those People to perform 16 hours of public service a week in order to qualify for unemployment checks.

That's the ticket: Everybody knows that you can give Those People a fish so they have a meal, or you can teach them to fish so they can feed themselves - provided the fish's not poisoned by too much mercury, of course.

Think of it: We'll save money by making Those People pick up garbage, fill potholes and maybe even teach our children.

The beauty of this plan is that a lot of Those People who are now out of work were living on the public's nickel before they were laid off. Now they'll be doing their old jobs for a fraction of what we used to pay them. Even better, we taxpayers won't have to pick up the tab for Those People's frills like health insurance, vacation or sick pay.

The only flaw I can see with this plan is that somebody's got to supervise Those People, train them and figure out what to do when they get hurt on the job...Also, federal law prohibits states from requiring people do unpaid public service in order to collect unemployment...

Despite those minor details, it's a great idea for getting Those People to straighten up and fly right...

Then there's the new South Carolina voter ID bill. Personally, I see nothing wrong with demanding that Those People present a photo ID before they enter the booth. Just because no one has been charged with voter fraud within recent memory doesn't mean Those People aren't voting over and over again.

I don't buy the argument that true Americans don't have a driver's license or a passport. You can't get a driver's license, cash a check or use a credit card without showing an ID.

What? You say some people don't own a car or have a checking account or credit card?...Surely, you don't expect me to believe that...

It's just another scam Those People pull when they're trying to undermine our great democracy. If you want proof, just look at how the Democrats (Those People are always Democrats) dominate the S.C. General Assembly and the S.C. Congressional Delegation...

And don't get me started on Those People who got here by sneaking over the border. What's wrong with demanding that Those People who have dark complexion or names ending in "ez" be required to prove citizenship?

Sure, a few U.S. citizens might be inconvenienced by sitting in jail for a day or so, but that's a risk we should be willing to take if it would rid this nation of Those People.

Remember what Jesus said when asked which of the commandants was most important:

One, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Two, "Watch out for Those People!"