It's time to wipe the sleep from your eyes, drink some coffee and do some light stretching exercises. It's time to WAKE UP, America!
We are in danger of being infiltrated by people who do not share our traditional American values, who do not appreciate all that this country has to offer and who would undermine our Constitution. In short, these people are not like us.
They hold themselves apart from normal American society. They shun technology and the gifts of Western culture.
Unlike normal American women who prance around in bikinis, flash strangers who give them plastic beads and post their drunken escapades on Facebook, these women cover themselves from head to toe in plain dresses. And their bearded husbands approve of this!
They don't use the public school system, preferring their own religious schools. They are permitted to marry only those of the same religion or risk being excommunicated by fellow members.
They refuse to serve in the U.S. military. Among themselves, they communicate using a foreign dialect that most Americans can't understand.
As most probably have ascertained by now, I'm talking about the Amish -- the Pennsylvania Dutch, whose very name hints at their dual allegiance. Are they Pennsylvanians or are they Dutch?
While the Amish are mostly concentrated in Pennsylvania, they also have spread to communities in Indiana, Missouri, Iowa and even southwest Minnesota. And their numbers are increasing.
When disputes occur among the Amish, they don't like to call the cops like other Americans. They settle problems themselves! They don't even like to sue people!
That is not the American way. How long can it be before we have Amish law and Amish courts operating right alongside of our American constitutional system? First, places like Lancaster, Pa., will go Amish, and then it will start to spread -- to Indiana, Ohio and big chunks of the Midwest. Where will it end?
Soon, the American heartland will be under the thumb of the Amish. America's men will be growing beards, walking around in overalls, straw hats and clunky black shoes. Women will be draped in long, plain dresses, aprons and bonnets, even in the summer!
Americans will start calling each other "thee" and "thou," even though we don't know the difference between those two words.
The Amish claim to be pacifists. They would love to see total disarmament in this country.
Well, once we are disarmed, then what? The perfect transport for one of those dirty bombs would be a little horse and buggy -- parked right in front of Philadelphia's Independence Hall, where our Founding Fathers signed the Constitution that allows us to openly discriminate against foreigners.
What we need, America, is a constitutional amendment banning Amish law in this country. What? You say that's unnecessary?
Well, you might be singing a different tune when electricity is illegal, zippers are banned and your fastest mode of transportation is one horsepower!
America, the Amish threat is real. These people aren't like us.
Consider what happens when you add just three little letters to their name: "Islamish."
Coincidence? I think not!
ABOUT THE WRITER
James Werrell is the opinion page editor for the Rock Hill Herald. He can be reached by e-mail, at firstname.lastname@example.org.