Commentary: Of conspiracy theories, LeBron and Miami Heat

The Miami Heat has become the most hated team in America, and it might be this way for a long time. LeBron James turned from adored to abhorred overnight, apparently. "The fallout continues," ESPN keeps telling me.

Isn't it great?

Love this. I am dancing with delight — reveling in the misery of basketball America and all the haters out there.

Do I speak for all of Miami and South Florida? No. There are approximately nine people down here who used to live in Cleveland prior to escaping and feel a little bit bad. But other than those nine people I think I speak for everyone in saying the national vineyard of whine from all your sour grapes — it amuses us!

The LeBron jersey burnings, the outrage, the blatantly petty jealousy, these latest desperate, hopeless whispers of collusion and conspiracy, we toast the helplessness of others with our toes in the beach sand and an ocean breeze caressing our good fortune.

(Look! In the Zapruder film, isn't that a grainy likeness of Pat Riley on the grassy knoll? He appears to be -- to be tampering!)

I am delighted by the news of the past few days first because LeBron James coming to a sports columnist's city is like a fat guy awakening to find an all-you-can-eat buffet has been built next door.

But mostly I am reacting to the comical disingenuousness of the complainers.

I mean juvenile Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert and Cleveland fans shouting "betrayal!" I mean Magic coach Stan Van Gundy mocking the whole process as a "parody." I mean the Bulls' Joakim Noah lampooning the new Heat as "Team Hollywood." I mean Mavericks owner Mark Cuban beseeching the NBA to "examine" how the Heat was able to land all three of the summer's top free agents.

I mean everybody out there who sees outrage or conspiracy in what Miami did.

Hypocrites, all of you. Mad because it wasn't your team that struck the mother lode. Y'all wish you were Miami right now. Admit that, at least.

To read the complete column, visit www.miamiherald.com.