The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 1 - 15 of 2468 (Page 1 of 124)Q: Dave, after an exhausting day of clicking on Web links. how do you find the strength to shuck your duty to answer questions from the assembled masses?
Submitted by King Korn from Des Moines, IA
A: I have an excellent staff.Answered 05/14/08 11:08:27 by Dave Barry
Q: Your Daveness: The price of hops has skyrocketed. This is having a serious affect on the availability of beer. Will you, as President, take immediate action to prevent this looming catastrophe?
Submitted by Thirsty in Canada from
A: This will be my highest burrrppppppppp
What was the question again?
Answered 05/14/08 10:51:07 by Dave Barry
Q: Will you be caucusing with the Democrats?
Submitted by Richie Nightly from outside the Loop
A: I will caucus with pretty much any consenting adult.Answered 05/14/08 10:11:41 by Dave Barry
Q: I think everyone on this forum agrees you are the prescription for what ails our nation. The question is: Will side effects generally be mild?
Submitted by Connie from Roslyn, PA
A: If you experience an erection lasting more than two weeks, see your physician. Especially if you are a woman.Answered 05/14/08 10:10:07 by Dave Barry
Q: Never mind. Or actually let me put it this way. When you are President, will you do what you have to do, and see it through without exemption? Or will you bite off more than you can chew?
Submitted by Gianni from the second bulldozer
A: Regrets? I've had a few.Answered 05/14/08 10:09:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Have you considered Thaksin Shinawatra as a running mate?
Submitted by Michael LaRocca from Chiang Mai, Thailand
A: Sure, if he (or she) possesses the necessaryAnswered 05/14/08 10:08:06 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if elected, will you make it a priority to find a way to wager on competive death matches to be staged between political lobbyists, with the losers to have their organs harvested for donation?
Submitted by daniel mason from
A: Followed immediately by the winners.Answered 05/14/08 10:07:07 by Dave Barry
Q: We often hear about the importance of the "swing" states in the presidential election. What will you do to woo these swingers?
Submitted by Al H. from Winston-Salem, NC
A: Two words: Naked motorcading.Answered 05/14/08 10:05:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Now and then my thoughts go back to the tax-funded governmental office devoted to negotiating the status of Micronesia. Assuming this status is still in the process of being negotiated, when you are President will you see to it that these guys clean their desks and leave the office before the bulldozers come, or do you believe that the need of the hour is to open an office across the street to negotiate the status of Tahiti as well?
Submitted by Gianni from the second bulldozer
A: What?Answered 05/10/08 08:56:30 by Dave Barry
Q: What will be your guiding principle for judicial nominations to the Supreme Court and federal bench?
Submitted by Clement Haynsworth from Bork Falls, WV
A:Answered 05/10/08 08:55:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, As you know, Teddy Roosevelt's foreign policy was "Speak softly, and carry a big stick." With this in mind, I think Americans deserve to know: Just exactly how big is your stick?
Submitted by Alkali Bill from Reno, Nevada
A: Let's just say I need an entourage to carry it.Answered 05/10/08 08:55:00 by Dave Barry
Q: What reasons could you possibly have for NOT invading Antigua and the Cayman Islands?
Submitted by Ampersand Colon Umla from Punctuation Corner, OH
A: You make a compelling case.Answered 05/10/08 08:53:37 by Dave Barry
Q: I was thinking: why not stand for president for our upcoming election too? We actually don't have a president, so you would probably be the only candidate. (Just in case this US one goes down the toilet.)
Submitted by David Wilson from Auckland, New Zealand
A: Sure. But aren't you legally part of Australia?Answered 05/10/08 08:52:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I've heard some crazy stories about you lately and all I can say is: that's not how you properly use a jackhammer!... by the way, your emergency backup campaign theme song should be the Tokens' hit "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Submitted by from
A: That was a consenting jackhammer.Answered 05/10/08 08:51:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, please remember to have your cabinet members spayed or neutered. It's the right thing to do.
Submitted by Bob Barker from Burbank, CA
A: And I hear it is painless.Answered 05/10/08 08:51:03 by Dave Barry
