The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 156 - 175 of 3092 (Page 9 of 155)Q: Dave, we here in Canada are also having an election right now, as I am sure you know by all the front page headlines about it in U.S. newspapers. Canadians are very concerned that the U.S. election has stolen one of our main election issues - moose dressing. Why can't American politicians find their own issues to focus on? What's next - discussing global warming, beer, and ice hockey? You won't see our politicians arguing over booger policy or if Palin's pig looks better with lipstick! (Although it may be an improvement) Your answers are very important to us.
Submitted by Paddy from Winnipeg, Canada
A: Canada has elections?Answered 09/24/08 08:17:00 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, be sure to remind your running mate that the Vice Presidential debate is on October 2.
Submitted by from
A: He or she will be there. Or, not.Answered 09/24/08 08:14:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you think that it is fair that Wall Street executives get golden parachutes while the rest of us get only a golden shower?
Submitted by I. P. Freely from Yellow Waters, NV
A: Hey, those people have worked hard for our money.Answered 09/24/08 08:14:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you be signing up for the new products from Google, including Google Toilet, which delivers contextual ads through the sewer system?
Submitted by Ed Norton from Queens, NY
A: You probably think you are kidding.Answered 09/24/08 08:13:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what is your opinion of using corn-based ethanol as part of the American energy supply? Does it make sense to use food to make fuel?
Submitted by Michael K. from Harrisburg, PA
A: It goes hand-in-hand with my plan to spend billions of dollars for scientific research to find a way to turn crude oil into Cheez-Its.Answered 09/23/08 09:43:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Since I'm certain Dave Barry died three years ago, who is actually writing these responses?
Submitted by Bob Johnson from Silver Spring, MD
A: Your question is very important to us.Answered 09/23/08 09:41:20 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, one of the major issues in this election is eighth grade algebra. Will you make it necessary for everybody to use algebra in everyday life?
Submitted by Cal Q. Luss from Infinity Loop, CA
A: Is that the one with the cosine?Answered 09/23/08 09:39:54 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, does the Dolphins' victory over the Pats signal the arrival of the end times?
Submitted by Jose Chung from Dallas Doomsday Defense
A: I am pretty sure that at one point I saw the face of Jesus on Ronnie Brown's wristband.Answered 09/22/08 09:14:16 by Dave Barry
Q: I'm impressed that the government spent 700 BILLION DOLLARS without an act of Congress. Who signs that check?
Submitted by Baffled Forger from SF, CA
A: The Publishers Clearing House.Answered 09/22/08 09:12:02 by Dave Barry
Q: The AP reported that "Merrill Lynch was forced to sell itself." Ignoring the fact that bank prostitution is probably illegal in several states, is there anything YOU'VE been forced to do to yourself that we should know about?
Submitted by Just Curious from SF, CA
A: That is a private matter between me and the Rockettes.Answered 09/22/08 09:11:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Prince Dave, I just reread your account of preparing for a colonoscopalooza, where you said you expelled food you had not even eaten yet. As I prep for mine, I see that the horrid, bottomless bottle of magnesium citrate is labeled "Sparkling Saline Laxative." What do they mean by "Sparkling"?
Submitted by Misery Loves Company from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: They mean it will feel like the Fourth of July is taking place in your butt.Answered 09/22/08 09:10:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Will your Administration come with complimentary 3D glasses? And, on a related note, have you ever won a potato sack race?
Submitted by A. Wedgie from Moist Crevasse, WI
A: Those were consenting potatoes.Answered 09/22/08 09:09:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Dear Dave, I am the stinkin' rich CEO of a Wall Street firm that made a gazillion dollars over the past 8 years by granting million-dollar mortgages to people with no jobs and no income as long as they got their pet hamsters to co-sign. We then packaged those mortgages into something that involved the word "debenture" and sold them to stupid people all over the world. Despite laying off all of my employees and throwing thousands of people out of their homes, my salary for this year will only be 50 million and change. The Government is planning to bail me out (which is only fair) but here's the problem: they want to issue me a check rather than load several tons of gold directly onto my private jet so I can escape to the Cayman Islands! If you are elected President, what will you do about this outrage?
Submitted by Moosensquirrel from Melbourne, FL
A: I will hold a benefit concert, featuring, at minimum, Willie Nelson.Answered 09/22/08 09:08:03 by Dave Barry
Q: Why don't you emigrate to Korea? I can vote for you.
Submitted by Sara from Seoul, Korea
A: As a Korean citizen, you are legally registered in Miami.Answered 09/21/08 16:45:26 by Dave Barry
Q: I was looking at the time stamps between your answers to these questions and there is like a minute in between each of your responses. Is one minute really enough time to formulate the kind of answers our questions really deserve?
Submitted by don from kville nc
A: Bear in mind that at the same time I am drinking beer.Answered 09/21/08 16:41:59 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, your running mate should be former college football coach Lou Holtz and your backup campaign theme song should be Rick Roll's 1988 hit "Never Gonna Give You Up". That's my opinion, anyway.
Submitted by from
A: And you are legally entitled to it.Answered 09/20/08 16:26:33 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, It seems that Illegal Immigration has been a neglected issue in this election. This population is able to enjoy all of the advantages and opportunities the United States has to offer but doesn't give anything back. The continued support of this is suffocating our country. When you are President, what will you do to ensure that every American has the opportunity to be an Illegal Immigrant and enjoy all the benfits that come along with it?
Submitted by Bobby from Baltimore, MD
A: Step One would be to persuade Mexico to give all of us Mexican citizenship. We can do that with missiles. Step Two is, we all go down there, and then we all come back here illegally, which should be easy since we will not be here to stop ourselves from getting in. There is no Step Three.Answered 09/20/08 16:25:55 by Dave Barry
Q: Instead of insurance companies and investment firms, will you, as president, pledge to bail out something that's actually fun?
Submitted by Connie from Roslyn, PA
A: I'm praying the government will take over the Miami Dolphins.Answered 09/20/08 16:23:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Bagging a moose from a helicopter is amazing, but I would be more impressed if it was Billy Mays while filming a live commercial. Who would you hunt down once in office?
Submitted by Look out Below from Clifton, TX
A: We'd also have to take a hard look at the entire cast of American Idol.Answered 09/20/08 16:22:07 by Dave Barry
Q: I understand your issues with the so-called "mainstream" media, but they did perform a great national service recently. Thanks to CNN, we were there live to see Geraldo Rivera almost get washed out to sea while informing us that it rains a lot during hurricanes. Might have been worth a Pulitzer if not for one conscientous fireman.
Submitted by Darn the Luck from Clifton, TX
A: I know! What was that fireman thinking?Answered 09/20/08 16:21:11 by Dave Barry
