The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 136 - 155 of 3092 (Page 8 of 155)Q: Dave, no wonder people want to get elected to Congress. I just heard that the Senate is the "upper" chamber.
Submitted by Puna Buttah from Fern Forest, HI
A: Dude.Answered 10/02/08 09:23:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what's this I hear about Congress being "bicamel?"
Submitted by Ivana Hump from San Francisco, CA
A: That is a consenting camel.Answered 10/02/08 09:23:31 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, are you a master debater? (Thank you. Thank you, very much.)
Submitted by Henny from Caesar's Palace
A: And boy are my arms tired!Answered 10/01/08 09:11:56 by Dave Barry
Q: Dear Dave-- I would like to start a bank. As far as I can tell, I need a building with a sign on the front, a brain the size of a wad of gum, and profound unmitigated greed. Also, if the government could send me some bail out funds? Thanks!
Submitted by Penny MacNickel from First National Trust Bank Assn FDIC
A: I don't think their brains are that big.Answered 09/30/08 13:54:53 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave - If the government tells us that we need to give Hank Paulson $700 billion or we'll all die and we DON'T give Hank the $700 billion and we DON'T DIE, what does this teach us? Also, are you any closer to giving us questioners "strikethrough" text capabilities here in the closing days of the campaign?
Submitted by Curious Ben from Bernanke, NY
A:Answered 09/30/08 13:54:13 by Dave Barry
Q: You're going to need a bigger bucket.
Submitted by Martin Brody from Amity Island
A: I'm going to be in Tahiti.Answered 09/30/08 13:52:49 by Dave Barry
Q: Advertencia! Peligro de incendio. Nunca coloque en la lavadora articulos que esten humedecidos con gasolina o cualqiuer otro liquido inflamable.
Submitted by Che Whirlpool from Austin, TX
A: Ésos eran artículos que consentían.Answered 09/30/08 13:52:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr Barry, what steps will your administration take to get kids off drugs?! The high demand is driving up the price, and with the economy on the fritz I just can't afford as much. Please help!
Submitted by Dru Guser from California
A: We're looking at ways to convert corn to drugs.Answered 09/29/08 08:43:53 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, whenever I see my checking account balance, I have a financial panic. Can the government help me?
Submitted by Bert Baccarat from Atlantic City, NJ
A: Only if you have squandered your money in an unbelievably stupid manner.Answered 09/29/08 08:43:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I just discovered that if I read your column published on October 14, 2003 backward, it says "turn me on, dead man." Do I have reason to be wigged out?
Submitted by The Call Me the Spac from Cedar City
A: I am the walrus.Answered 09/29/08 08:42:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Instead of all these piddling "rescue" and "stimulus" plans, why doesn't the government just give every American a million dollars?
Submitted by J.M. Keynes from New London, CT
A: Also we should each qualify for a home-based pork-barrel project.Answered 09/29/08 08:42:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, apparently, I was wrong. Any advice?
Submitted by Willie Sutton from Sing Sing, NY
A: You should start targeting taxpayers, because apparently they are loaded.Answered 09/29/08 08:41:01 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you plan to resonate with the folk?
Submitted by chris armitage from
A: Yes, if they are consenting.Answered 09/29/08 08:40:28 by Dave Barry
Q: I watched the whole debate and didn't see you once! Where were you Mr. future President?
Submitted by David T from Olive Branch, MS
A: You could see my feet sticking out from the side of the stage. I wasAnswered 09/28/08 15:36:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I can see Russian dressing from my refrigerator. Should I apply to be an ambassador? (Boy, my arms are tired.)
Submitted by Monty Anaconda from Broomall, PA
A: Will you be here all week?Answered 09/26/08 09:14:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, now that WaMu has failed, who will send me 30 credit cards every month?
Submitted by D.B. Cooper from Seattle, WA
A: We will set up an emergency federal agency.Answered 09/26/08 09:13:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Some people say that Sarah Palin's secret weapon is that she is "hot." Dave, what is your secret weapon?
Submitted by Dave Fan from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: I have a time-traveling super-intelligent invisible raccoon sidekick.Answered 09/25/08 07:30:30 by Dave Barry
Q: I feel must point out (in response to your ethanol-energy discussion) that Americans have been turning corn, in fact all food, into gas for a long, LONG time...
Submitted by Beans Beans The Magi from SF, CA
A: True. And these same Americans always sit next to me on airplanes.Answered 09/24/08 08:19:04 by Dave Barry
Q: Fast forward to the end of your second term. The media are making the inevitable lame-duck references. You're spending the waning days of your presidency picking out the wallpaper pattern and tile color of the bathrooms in your presidential library, and you've settled on the small mallard ducks with blue vertical stripes and a color known as "Toasted Pecan". So now the really important question? Who will you pardon?
Submitted by Robin Bayer from Baldwin City, KS
A: WhoeverAnswered 09/24/08 08:17:58 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, the government wants to dump toxic bank assets in a landfill near my home. Is there anything I can do to stop it?
Submitted by Alan Nimby from Newark, NJ
A: Try not to breathe.Answered 09/24/08 08:17:18 by Dave Barry
