The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 96 - 115 of 3092 (Page 6 of 155)Q: Dave, we can dress a moose in a tuxedo in the field. I guarantee it.
Submitted by G. Zimmer from Men's Warehouse
A: Is this a consenting moose?Answered 10/18/08 11:57:56 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I have a classic '64 Chevy Corvette. Am I vetted enough to be your Vice President?
Submitted by Tod Stiles from Route 66
A: Can you field-dress a moose?Answered 10/16/08 08:49:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Why do I have to upgrade computer software that I don't even have?
Submitted by Gates Williams from Mega-hard Doors
A: Because the upgrade has additional features that you don't need.Answered 10/16/08 08:48:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, Congratulations on your great debate performance Thursday evening. Will you also not show up for your presidency thus sparing Americans of the boredom and mistakes so common among other presidents?
Submitted by rapier from Mabe, MI
A: The essence of my presidency will be absence.Answered 10/16/08 08:43:11 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, your performance in the final debate was magnificent. I'm really sorry we won't see you in a Presidential Debate again until 2012. Seriously Dave, you should just go ahead and move to Tahiti now, because your performance in the debates have proved that Obama and McCain basically have no chance of winning the election.
Submitted by from
A: I'm still annoyed that Bob Schieffer cut me off during my unicycle routine.Answered 10/16/08 08:41:44 by Dave Barry
Q: -.. .- ...- . / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -.-- --- ..- / -- .- -.- . / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / -- .- -. -.. .- - --- .-. -.-- / ..-. --- .-. / .- .-.. .-.. / -.-. --- -- -- ..- -. .. -.-. .- - .. --- -. ...
Submitted by Sam Morse from Bell Labs, NJ
A: - .... .. ... / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -... . / -- -.-- / .... .. --. .... . ... - / .--. .-. .. --- .-. .. - -.-- .-.-.-Answered 10/16/08 08:38:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, can you get Joe the plumber to come over and unstop my toilet?
Submitted by Tom Crapper from Kohler Village
A: No. He's busy trying to figure out his taxes.Answered 10/16/08 08:36:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, has Paul Krugman thanked you yet for giving him the idea that won the Nobel Prize in Economics?
Submitted by Milt Friedman from Chicago, Illinois
A: All I expect is a simple "Thanks," plus a huge amount of money.Answered 10/14/08 06:49:33 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, my 401 (k) is now a 200.5 (f). I'm half the man I used to be. Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Submitted by Paul from Penny Lane
A: Remember when gas was like $4.50 a gallon? We didn't realize what we had.Answered 10/13/08 08:27:13 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you pal around with terrorists?
Submitted by Marilyn from Kensington, MD
A: Those were consenting terrorists.Answered 10/13/08 08:26:10 by Dave Barry
Q: I didn't have time to write a question, so I am re-posting a "classic" question, originally submitted on September 16, 2000: Dave, do you think Florida will play a big part in this year's elections?
Submitted by Les W from Cedar City
A: No. We're going to stay out of this one, and give our electoral votes to some place that actually knows how to hold an election, such as Kansas or Belgium.Answered 10/13/08 08:25:35 by Dave Barry
Q: Why is it that the government can't rig up some monitoring equipment on migratory birds and send the raw data to the NSA to analyze? We could certainly track illegal migration...
Submitted by Dr. Krazinutzi from A Lab
A: It's time we stopped these foreign birds from coming here and taking jobs away from American birds.Answered 10/13/08 08:23:29 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, have your investigations cleared you of all wrong-doing?
Submitted by Todd from Anchorage, AK
A: I still have a few questions about myself, but I plan to sweep them under the rug.Answered 10/10/08 08:55:55 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave -- I bought a house I could afford and have made all my mortgage payments. What will the U.S. government, under a Barry presidency, do for me?
Submitted by Gary from Brookline, NH
A: We will give you a bank. Hey, we have plenty.Answered 10/10/08 08:55:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, are you doing better among the ignorant, gun-clutching slobs or the effete, arugula-eating snobs?
Submitted by A.P. Gallup from Tacoma, WA
A: I exhibit a broad appeal toAnswered 10/10/08 08:54:40 by Dave Barry
Q: O' Financial Guru, GM stock is now selling at 1950s prices. Does that mean that I can get a new Oldsmobile for $1,500?
Submitted by Adlai Stevenson from Chicago, Illinois
A: Yes. And by next week, 97 percent of our TV shows will be in black and white.Answered 10/10/08 08:53:43 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, are you surprised that Hef is so heartbroken that you left him?
Submitted by Debbi from Los Angeles, CA
A: Hef and I remain good friends. Sometimes he calls and we talk about things, such as where his teeth are.Answered 10/09/08 09:19:17 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, is the controversial practice of voter purging in Florida preceded by voter bingeing and/or binging?
Submitted by Chuck Upper from Halitosis, GA
A: I was going to make a voter enema joke here, but then I decided that I am too classy.Answered 10/09/08 09:16:27 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, If you are President, will you be everyone's friend, too?
Submitted by Alan Gallo from Port Saint Lucie, Florida
A: Yes, but from Tahiti.Answered 10/09/08 09:13:10 by Dave Barry
Q: Dear Mr. Barry, I am the brother of the widow to the executive vice-ministrial cabinet to the Ministry of the Inferior for the National Republic of Hockalugistan. My sister has departed with $200 Million cash. This money is to be retrieved by a method of emailing my most trusted delegates. I therefore ask you to provide me with your bank account number, area code first, so that I can execute this transaction. You will receive a 350% commission on the transfer, to be deposited immediately in your bank account. Please let me know you would like the commission in Hockalugi droplets or US dollars.
Submitted by Samir Nanahinanaja from Kashmir, Wool
A: Do you want to be Treasury Secretary?Answered 10/08/08 13:54:55 by Dave Barry
