The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 96 - 115 of 2722 (Page 6 of 137)Q: Dave, is Generalissimo Francisco Franco still dead?
Submitted by Jane Curtin from New York, NY
A: Yes, to judge from his most recent interview with Larry King.Answered 06/22/08 12:45:41 by Dave Barry
Q: Who will you appoint to head the DEA to fight the War on Drugs?
Submitted by E.Z. Stoner from Sweet Smoke, ID
A: That guy from South Park. Mr. Mackey. Because drugs are bad, n'kay?Answered 06/22/08 12:44:33 by Dave Barry
Q: There is an underhanded plot to move the Mariners to Oklahoma. When you are president, can you move them to Miami and take all these damned--er...wunnerful Californians with them? You can have the Safeco stadium to store them in.
Submitted by Giovanni C. from Seattle, WA
A: Why is it that teams want to move to places totally unsuited to their names? The Oklahoma Mariners? That's as bad as the Utah Jazz. Something federal needs to be done, and it needs to cost billions of dollars.Answered 06/22/08 12:42:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will you do to stop media consolidation by NBC Universal, CBS Paramount, and Disney ABC?
Submitted by Rupert Murdoch from Fair and Balanced
A: I would be like, "Hey! Cut that out!" Followed by missiles.Answered 06/22/08 12:35:34 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, is it a coincidence that shortly after beating a guy named "Rocco" that "Tiger" came down with "knee" problems? (Not that I am implying anything about the Four Families who are endorsing you.)
Submitted by Don Vito from Brooklyn, NY
A: Also he found a horse head in his golf bag.Answered 06/22/08 12:31:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you have a job for Tonya Harding in your administration?
Submitted by Brian B. from San Francisco, CA
A: Secretary of Trailers.Answered 06/22/08 12:30:45 by Dave Barry
Q: When you are President what warrantless surveillance targets in the United States will you secretly authorize?
Submitted by Majority Leader Hoye from Apparatchik, MD
A: We will be keeping a close eye on Scarlett Johansson.Answered 06/22/08 12:29:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you have a "special relationship" with the British?
Submitted by Oscar Wilde from Dublin, Ireland
A: As long as they're consenting.Answered 06/20/08 14:48:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if you become president would you do something about smelly cabs?
Submitted by Art Vandelay from Memphis, Tennessee
A: I will totally stop riding in them.Answered 06/20/08 14:47:30 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, who is standing behind you right now and what are they wearing?
Submitted by Campaign Volunteer from St. Paul, MN
A: I have at all times, including in the shower, a backdrop of people of every gender, age, faith and ethnicity.Answered 06/20/08 14:46:25 by Dave Barry
Q: Michelle Obama says her signature greeting is a fist bump. Dave, how do you greet people?
Submitted by Kathy from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: I say, "Wait a minute while I put on a towel."Answered 06/20/08 14:42:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I hate my job. I REALLY hate my job. What will the Dave administration do to make sure I have a job that uses my talents? I should be making insane amounts of money shopping for shoes. I'm very, very good at it.
Submitted by Trapped Girl from Hillsboro, Oregon
A: Is this the First Lady?Answered 06/20/08 14:41:54 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how would you solve the government's procurement problems?
Submitted by D. Safavian from Alexandria, VA
A: Two words: Eliot SpitzerAnswered 06/20/08 14:38:59 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, according to Michael Gerson, President Bush's former speechwriter, you are too vulgar to be president.
Submitted by Albert Einstein from Duluth, MN
A: IAnswered 06/20/08 14:38:04 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how are you weighing your potential vice presidential candidates?
Submitted by Jarod from Toledo, OH
A: We put them on a scale, then subtract the total poundage of their restraints.Answered 06/20/08 14:35:35 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you claim executive privilege for the years before you became president?
Submitted by Yoo-Hoo from Stanford U
A: Those were all consenting executives.Answered 06/20/08 14:33:40 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what do you have to say for yourself after being caught habeasing that corpus?
Submitted by Anthony Kennedy from Washington, D.C.
A: That was a consenting corpus.Answered 06/19/08 16:31:05 by Dave Barry
Q: Prince Dave - Referring to one's self in the third person is the height of arrogance, but every time I hear someone do so, I always wish I'd thought to. Once elected president, will you be referring to yourself only as "The President," such as when you awaken from your nap and say, "The President likes this topless beach."
Submitted by George from says hi
A: Dave Barry is far too humble for that.Answered 06/19/08 16:30:09 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, a police watchdog has alleged that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police use tasers too often. Is this one instance in which you can support the Canadians?
Submitted by Dudley Doright from Northern Territories, Canada
A: They tasered their own dog?Answered 06/19/08 16:28:42 by Dave Barry
Q: My worst fear is that you'll be actually elected President of the United States of America but we'll read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. Indeed, how would YOU know about it?
Submitted by Gianni from beyond the Pond
A: That is EXACTLY what happened in 2004.Answered 06/19/08 16:26:58 by Dave Barry
