The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 76 - 95 of 3092 (Page 5 of 155)Q: Dave, how can we justify spending over 10 billion dollars a month to invade some county on the other side of the world when most economists agree that we could invade Canada for a fraction of that price?
Submitted by L Whitmore from Cedar City, UT
A: And we could do it with illegal immigrants from Mexico.Answered 10/25/08 16:23:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Are there any 'dirty little secrets' you have learned from any of the other candidates during this race?
Submitted by Brett T. from Eureka, CA
A:Answered 10/25/08 16:22:10 by Dave Barry
Q: As a Canadian, I can see Alaska from my window. Does that qualify me to become your foreign ambassador? There's a case of Molson in it for you...eh?
Submitted by Bob Schwartz from British Columbia, Canada
A: Canada has windows?Answered 10/25/08 16:19:49 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what kinds of preconditions would you have for meeting with the leaders of foreign countries?
Submitted by Colleen from Cleveland, OH
A: There would have to be beer.Answered 10/24/08 11:07:00 by Dave Barry
Q: I find the term "credit default swaps" confusing and boring. As Mr. Language Person, could you please come up with a snappier term?
Submitted by Phil Gramm from Free Market, TX
A: "Side bets."Answered 10/24/08 11:06:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, can we expect your economic policy to favor popular socialism, corporate socialism, or Dave socialism?
Submitted by Karl Gummo Marx from Cocoa, FL
A: I will reduce taxes for 99.9999999 percent of Americans while providing giant new government programs for everybody. I will pay for this by taking money from the New York Yankees.Answered 10/23/08 09:31:49 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, does your campaign wardrobe and makeup bill amount to $150,000?
Submitted by Joe Pantyhose from Tuscaloosa, AL
A: I have eight staff people who do nothing except fret about my hair.Answered 10/23/08 09:22:54 by Dave Barry
Q: Does the fact that you are a perfect double for Sarah Silverman cause people to underestimate you?
Submitted by Aunt Maude Frickert from Elmwood, OH
A: Yes, but when they hear me talk about the issues, they stop underestimating me and start looking around for an attendant.Answered 10/23/08 09:21:32 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you often appear before cheering thongs of supporters?
Submitted by Jock Mahoney from Tarzana, CA
A: Those are consenting thongs.Answered 10/23/08 09:13:43 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, we the people of Minnesota have discovered a great time-saving shortcut: we have a candidate for Congress who is already in jail. Do you think that this will become a trend in politics, with Minnesotans leading the way?
Submitted by Cole Younger from Northfield, MN
A: While he's in there, he could also be a Miami city commissioner.Answered 10/23/08 09:13:26 by Dave Barry
Q: Newspaper editorial boards have been releasing a slew of endorsements as election day nears. Has any publication endorsed you?
Submitted by R.W. Hearst from Xanadu, CA
A: Hamster FancierAnswered 10/21/08 13:02:13 by Dave Barry
Q: Are you actually "on the ballot" in any states? Or, is your candidacy more of a "write-in" thing?
Submitted by Voter from Some State, USA
A: Wait... There are ballots?Answered 10/21/08 09:40:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Is it true that your campaign is being financed by Mucinex, and the animated boogers in shorts and undershirts was all your idea?
Submitted by vetinari from austin tx
A: Not that I get any credit from the so-called "mainstream" media.Answered 10/21/08 09:35:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what steps have you taken to ensure that Florida voters won't screw up the election next month?
Submitted by a smart voter not from Florida
A: We're telling them that the election is next year.Answered 10/21/08 09:35:14 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I know you were in a band with Stephen King. As President, will you allow him to pressure you into subsidies for all the horrible creatures that apparently reside in Maine?
Submitted by Kati from Columbus, OH
A: I can't believe anybody still lives there, after all the unexplained carnage. ("Unexplained Carnage" would be a good name for a rock band.)Answered 10/21/08 09:34:44 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you have a Joe-the-plumber type friend who epitomizes your campaign's values?
Submitted by pierre from auburn hills, michigan
A: Yes: Keith Richards.Answered 10/19/08 13:07:43 by Dave Barry
Q: The Miami Herald editorial board has endorsed your opponent, Barack Obama. Are they great kidders, or what?
Submitted by C.F. Kane from Leadville, CO
A: No, they are on crack. But in a good way.Answered 10/19/08 12:03:49 by Dave Barry
Q: John McCain says that he isn't George Bush. Well, in that case, are you George Bush?
Submitted by Bob S. from Austin, TX
A: Only when I make credit-card purchases.Answered 10/18/08 12:02:26 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I've noticed that both McCain and Obama have stolen your patented technique of answering every question with the same three or four responses, regardless of what the question is. Are you secretly acting as speechwriter for both campaigns? Or are you going to sue them both for big bucks?
Submitted by "Concerned" from Chicago
A: I agree with the American people.Answered 10/18/08 12:00:49 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I tuned into Good Morning America to catch your book strumpeting science demonstration. It was great. How much rosemary did you say should be sprinkled on the chicken?
Submitted by Julia from Bar Harbor, ME
A: You jest, but I did in fact cook all of the food for Emeril, not that you will read anything about this in the so-called "mainstream" media.Answered 10/18/08 11:59:34 by Dave Barry
