The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 56 - 75 of 2722 (Page 4 of 137)Q: Dave, you've stated several times that you where born in 1947, so why are you running for President now when you could have run as early as 1984? Where you too chicken to run against Reagan?
Submitted by from
A: I actually won the 1984 election, but the so-called "mainstream media" chose to ignore it.Answered 07/01/08 10:45:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you call for a United Nations Security Council meeting to investigate the claim that the French army has real bullets that might fall into the hands of French soldiers?
Submitted by Gen. Bruno Cuche from Paris, TX
A: This must never be allowed to happen.Answered 07/01/08 10:43:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you have a presidential commission to investigate what happened to the real Eddie Murphy?
Submitted by Mr. Rogers from The Neighborhood
A: He's trapped inside a much larger Eddie Murphy.Answered 07/01/08 10:42:41 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you want to go hang with Robert Mugabe?
Submitted by Cecil John Rhodes from DeBeers
A: Sure. Just me and Bob, and Bob's 47 armed thugs, chillin'.Answered 07/01/08 10:42:09 by Dave Barry
Q: When you're with a crowd of adoring supporters at a campaign event, do you take some time to "press the flesh"?
Submitted by Jimmy Dobson from Leviticus, TX
A: Is that what they call it these days?Answered 06/30/08 17:11:53 by Dave Barry
Q: I'm getting tired of having hurricanes named with girl names or boy names. Will you instruct the National Weather Service to come up with something different?
Submitted by Andrew Katrina from Galveston, TX
A: I think we should name them after popular phrases, such as "Hurricane Yankees Suck."Answered 06/30/08 17:11:26 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, believe it or not, Congressman John Conyers asked a question the other day that could have a big impact on the course of your presidency on the beach at Tahiti: "Could the president order a suspect buried alive?"
Submitted by David Addington from Undisclosed VP Office
A: Only if he is really suspicious.Answered 06/30/08 17:06:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what stores would you add to the National Mall to spruce up its image?
Submitted by Pierre L'Enfant from Potomac, MD
A: Two words: food court.Answered 06/30/08 17:05:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will you do to make America a stable nation?
Submitted by Big Brown from Ocala, FL
A: I will import huge numbers of cheap foreign stables.Answered 06/30/08 17:05:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will your administration's policies be more like Edward Lear's poetry or Lewis Carroll's?
Submitted by Tony Scalia from Washington, D.C.
A: They will be more like Chuck Berry's.Answered 06/30/08 17:04:35 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what is your back-up plan if the new CERN Large Hardon Collider spawns a black hole that swallows the earth?
Submitted by Al from Princeton, NJ
A: As long as it leaves Tahiti alone, I have no objection.Answered 06/30/08 16:58:53 by Dave Barry
Q: Dear Mr Barry, do you think this question will ever be answered?
Submitted by Allie from St Louis, MO
A: I agree with the American people.Answered 06/29/08 14:56:04 by Dave Barry
Q: What question are you are most afraid of?
Submitted by John Yoo from Tenure, CA
A: "Can I see your license and registration?"Answered 06/29/08 14:55:10 by Dave Barry
Q: When you give a speech, what is the message displayed behind you on the podium backdrop?
Submitted by Bob Shrum from Subliminal, HI
A: "Your Message Here"Answered 06/29/08 14:53:38 by Dave Barry
Q: Gliddy glub gloopy Nibby nabby noopy La la la lo lo Sabba sibby sabba Nooby abba nabba Le le lo lo Tooby ooby walla Nooby abba naba? Now those were lyrics!
Submitted by Oliver from Starshine USA
A: The thing about those lyrics is, they sounded stupid even when everybody was on drugs.Answered 06/29/08 14:53:00 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if we stopped paving the roads, would this make the SUV a more sensible and cost-efficient choice of vehicle for the American public?
Submitted by Bjorn Hummer from Dearborn, MI
A: Another thing we could do is improve gas mileage by redefining "mile" to mean "200 feet."Answered 06/29/08 14:51:47 by Dave Barry
Q: Do you expect Amy Winehouse to cause any trouble at your inauguration?
Submitted by Boy George III from London, UK
A: Nah. She'll be passed out by then, along with the Cabinet.Answered 06/29/08 14:49:03 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if the Gulf of Mexico is Florida's toilet, what is Florida's toilet paper?
Submitted by Mr. Whipple from Charmin, WV
A:Answered 06/28/08 10:45:00 by Dave Barry
Q: Your Daveness, This just in from the BBC: Martian soil appears to contain sufficient nutrients to support life - or, at least, asparagus - Nasa scientists believe. Could this be the future home of the Senate or Congress? The IQ compatibility seems assured.
Submitted by jon from geneva
A: The thing is, if we DO grow asparagus on Mars, we know for a fact from numerous movies that it will eventually attack us and take over the Earth. So I am all for it.Answered 06/28/08 10:28:13 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, How big are the frogs/toads in Florida this year?
Submitted by Tonya from Hillsboro, OR
A: When they back up, they emit federally mandated warning beeps.Answered 06/28/08 10:21:35 by Dave Barry
