The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 56 - 75 of 3092 (Page 4 of 155)Q: Dave, with such a commanding lead in the polls, surely you will secure the election and become the next POTUS, so can you give us some indication of what your Cabinet will look like?
Submitted by steve from bedford, nh
A: It will look like the toga-party scene from Animal House, but less somber.Answered 10/30/08 09:22:30 by Dave Barry
Q: Following your election victory, how will we be able to distinguish the celebratory gunfire and rioting in Miami from the routine gunfire and rioting?
Submitted by Billie Penn from Philliesdelphia, PA
A: My people will be using special festive red, white and blue tracer bullets.Answered 10/30/08 09:21:41 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, there are over a million automobile crashes every year involving deer. Do all those deer have Florida licenses?
Submitted by Bull J. Moose from Frostbite Falls, MN
A: Of course. AND they vote.Answered 10/30/08 09:20:53 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, is it the cold weather that is responsible for the shrinkage of your GDP?
Submitted by Long John Silver from Treasure Island, FL
A: I plan to see my doctor if it lasts longer than four hours.Answered 10/30/08 09:20:37 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, Americans will spend a billion dollars more buying potato chips this year than they will buying politicians. What will you do to correct this inequality?
Submitted by Chip F. Pringle from Lay, ID
A: I will create a gigantic bailout program under which the government will pay billions of dollars to failing politicians.Answered 10/30/08 09:19:58 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, given the long time that early voters have to spend standing in line, do you expect a big movement from voters late in the day?
Submitted by Meta Musial from Charmin, WV
A: A lot of them are casting ballots while they're still waiting to cast their ballots, if you get my drift.Answered 10/29/08 08:57:13 by Dave Barry
Q: Recently, Bill Allen from Anchorage, AK asked about elected officials getting free stuff. You replied "Hey, if an elected official can get free stuff illegally, what the hell is the point of being an elected official?" Dave, don't you mean to say that if an elected official CAN'T get free stuff illegally, what the hell is the point of being an elected official?
Submitted by from
A: Yes.Answered 10/29/08 08:55:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you have old-fashioned horse scents?
Submitted by Horace Horsecollar from Orlando, FL
A: That is a consenting horse.Answered 10/29/08 08:53:15 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, it appears that the greatest threat to world peace and sanity in 2009 will be "Windows 7." How have you prepared for this calamity?
Submitted by Michael Brown from Norman, OK
A: How do they come up with these names? "XP," then "Vista," then... "7?" Do they use a Random Version Namer? What's next? Windows "Wolverine?" Windows "Placenta?" And will Windows "7" continue the trend wherein each version takes roughly 45 minutes longer to boot all the way up than the previous version? Will you still be waiting for Windows "7" to be usable when Windows "Geseundheit" comes out? What was the question again?Answered 10/29/08 08:52:25 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, as President, what measures will you take to ensure that you are never seen in public with your pants unzipped?
Submitted by from
A: I will not wear pants.Answered 10/28/08 09:29:47 by Dave Barry
Q: I'm unemployed and am having trouble affording beer. What stimulus package can you provide for folks like me?
Submitted by Charles Cates from Austin, Tx
A: I am going to spread the brew around.Answered 10/28/08 09:28:40 by Dave Barry
Q: Time is running out for the Dave Barry October Surprise. Can you at least give us a hint of what's coming?
Submitted by Tucker Bounds from Fiasco, UT
A: I don't want to reveal too much, but if you have any friends who live in Canada or Mexico, they should leave.Answered 10/28/08 09:27:20 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, is there anything in your house that was given to you, but which you didn't want to keep, and really wasn't a gift, or maybe fell off a truck?
Submitted by Bill Allen from Anchorage, AK
A: Hey, if an elected official can get free stuff illegally, what the hell is the point of being an elected official?Answered 10/28/08 09:25:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, have you or your staff ever accused your running mate Tom of being a "diva?"
Submitted by Maria Callous from La Scaly, Italy
A: I have a running mate? Named Tom? Nobody tells me anything.Answered 10/28/08 09:24:55 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when you are president, could you arrange it so that the World Series is played in January on a frozen lake around midnight?
Submitted by G. Anne Howe from Key Largo, FL
A: That's where we're headed. They clearly did not intend to stop last night's game until there was a drowning in the infield.Answered 10/28/08 09:24:07 by Dave Barry
Q: There's been a lot of talk about the battle for blue-collar voters. What kinds of apparel are you trying to reach?
Submitted by Rick Davis from Trepidation, SC
A: Thong voters.Answered 10/27/08 09:34:32 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, Senator McCain, a Republican member of Congress, is running against both Republicans and Congress. What are you running against?
Submitted by Ima Ganstit from Negativity, NV
A: To quote Marlon Brando: What do you got?Answered 10/27/08 09:33:43 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, remember that song "I've Never Been to Me"? Well, Dave, have you ever been to you?
Submitted by from
A: No, but I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'posed to see. But everybody involved was consenting.Answered 10/27/08 09:32:40 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, We are constantly told of how Social Security will be bankrupt within our lifetime. Well, I am critically ill, what will you do to make sure that Social Security goes belly up before I do? -Ken
Submitted by Ken from Boston
A: The government is working day and night to accomplish this.Answered 10/27/08 09:30:40 by Dave Barry
Q: How would Mrs. Dave re-do the White House?
Submitted by Lissa from Vogue, CA
A: For starters, she would change the color.Answered 10/25/08 16:48:29 by Dave Barry
