The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 36 - 55 of 3092 (Page 3 of 155)Q: How well do you expect to do in Chicago precincts where Obama will get 120% of the registered vote?
Submitted by Richie Nightly from outside the Loop
A: I expect to get 270 percent, thanks to the last-minute support of the 140 percent who are still undecided.Answered 11/04/08 08:11:53 by Dave Barry
Q: David, how do you feel about the candidates running against you for president this year?
Submitted by Ashley from Grove City, Ohio
A: The what?Answered 11/04/08 08:08:01 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, where's the best place to get my ballot propositioned? Mmm-whoaaa!
Submitted by Eliot Spitzer from New York, NY
A: And boy is your referendum tired!Answered 11/04/08 08:06:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what's the best voter recruiting tool, muscatel or crack?
Submitted by Frau Dulent from Berlin, Germany
A:Answered 11/04/08 08:06:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how would you recommend that I vote on Florida Constitutional amendment 167 that authorizes county taxing assessors to disallow unallocated setbacks for unauthorized easements by non-taxing unincorporated divisional winners in the SEC west for the purpose of setting aside a portion of the sales tax to support the inflicted section of the remainder of the unrepresented non-voting freedom-loving portions of the real American heartland of the baseline geographical assets?
Submitted by Confused from Probably, FL
A: I recommend that you do what is best for the American people.Answered 11/03/08 09:22:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Monsieur Barry, do you have HRH Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha in a cylindrical metal container? Well, you should allow him to breathe.
Submitted by Nicolas Sarkozy, rea from Paris, France
A: Also, my refrigerator is operating!Answered 11/03/08 09:21:39 by Dave Barry
Q: The Barry Campaign has made this tense and over-wrought election season bearable. If--heaven forbid--you lose this election, will you try again in 2012?
Submitted by Joe Citizen from Laughter, MD
A: I am already accepting contributions.Answered 11/03/08 09:20:54 by Dave Barry
Q: I have no doubt that you are personally responsible for October's homicide-free month in Miami. How were you able to accomplish this excellent feat?
Submitted by Lauren Order from Detroit, MI
A: We outsourced our homicides to India.Answered 11/03/08 09:20:13 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, as POTUS will you declare any new national holidays, and if so, what will they be named?
Submitted by TRESCHARMANTE from Laguna Hills, CA
A: "Monday" and "Tuesday." Also "Friday."Answered 11/03/08 09:19:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, are you going to appear on Saturday Night Live before the election?
Submitted by Jim from Vienna, Austria
A: I was on there, but they cut out my scene because of what they are calling a "wardrobe malfunction" involving my pants, which is totally bogus because as the so-called "mainstream" media is fully aware but refuses to report, I wasn't wearing any.Answered 11/03/08 09:18:25 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, have you ever exaggerated the size of your, uh, crowds?
Submitted by Val I. Dator from Tempe, AZ
A: No, but I want to stress that during cold weather my crowd may appear smaller than it actually is.Answered 11/01/08 10:24:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave: You and I were on a flight back from Houston to Miami, some time ago. I was across the isle from you, in first class. You, unlike most politicans, did nothing. You did not talk, kiss babies (or their mothers), wave your arms, foam at the mouth, drink excessive alcohol, or disappear into a mysterious private back cabin. Actually, you acted disturbingly normal. Where you ill?
Submitted by Tom Rickards from Miami Beach, FL
A: No. I was justAnswered 11/01/08 10:23:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, both the Democrats and the Republicans are prepared to sue if they lose the election. Are you prepared to sue if you win?
Submitted by Boy Named Sue from Sioux Falls, SD
A: No matter what happens, I think everybody involved should sue. This is America, dammit.Answered 11/01/08 10:22:46 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did you ever figure out if the people asking questions here are real or not?
Submitted by Toby Ornotoby from Elsinore, Denmark
A: The people asking the questions are real. I, however, am not.Answered 11/01/08 10:21:37 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would support adding a polling station in the Pasco County nudist park?
Submitted by Buck Nekkid from Caliente, FL
A: I hear they have a lot ofAnswered 11/01/08 10:09:54 by Dave Barry
Q: As a baseball purist, I despise domed stadiums with artificial turf (like Tropicana and the Metrodome in Minnesota). Where do you stand? Do you prefer artificial grass or the real stuff?
Submitted by Tug McGraw from Philadelphia, PA
A: Dude.Answered 10/31/08 09:08:55 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, outgoing administrations have been known to play pranks on incoming administrations. Do you think that the current administration might do something like, say, start a war or two, trash the economy, tear up the Constitution and rearrange the words to make dirty limericks about John Hancock, immature stuff like that?
Submitted by R.U. Cirrius from Krankall, MO
A: Wait until you see what they're going to do with the Washington Monument.Answered 10/31/08 09:08:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, are you shocked that the bailout money is being spent on frivolous things like spa treatments instead of the intended purpose of bribing politicians?
Submitted by Joe Loophole from Chino, CA
A: Clearly, more money is needed.Answered 10/31/08 09:07:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you be a hands-on president?
Submitted by Sherri Shapely from Vavavoom Room
A: I will be more of a pants-off president.Answered 10/31/08 09:07:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr. President Elect: What with all of this early voting, are you considering launching your campaign for re-election any time soon?
Submitted by Chris from St. Pete
A: Good point: Thanks to early voting, I probably have already served a good portion of my first term.Answered 10/30/08 09:23:36 by Dave Barry
