The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 36 - 55 of 2985 (Page 3 of 150)Q: Mr Barry, what steps will your administration take to get kids off drugs?! The high demand is driving up the price, and with the economy on the fritz I just can't afford as much. Please help!
Submitted by Dru Guser from California
A: We're looking at ways to convert corn to drugs.Answered 09/29/08 08:43:53 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, whenever I see my checking account balance, I have a financial panic. Can the government help me?
Submitted by Bert Baccarat from Atlantic City, NJ
A: Only if you have squandered your money in an unbelievably stupid manner.Answered 09/29/08 08:43:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I just discovered that if I read your column published on October 14, 2003 backward, it says "turn me on, dead man." Do I have reason to be wigged out?
Submitted by The Call Me the Spac from Cedar City
A: I am the walrus.Answered 09/29/08 08:42:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Instead of all these piddling "rescue" and "stimulus" plans, why doesn't the government just give every American a million dollars?
Submitted by J.M. Keynes from New London, CT
A: Also we should each qualify for a home-based pork-barrel project.Answered 09/29/08 08:42:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, apparently, I was wrong. Any advice?
Submitted by Willie Sutton from Sing Sing, NY
A: You should start targeting taxpayers, because apparently they are loaded.Answered 09/29/08 08:41:01 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you plan to resonate with the folk?
Submitted by chris armitage from
A: Yes, if they are consenting.Answered 09/29/08 08:40:28 by Dave Barry
Q: I watched the whole debate and didn't see you once! Where were you Mr. future President?
Submitted by David T from Olive Branch, MS
A: You could see my feet sticking out from the side of the stage. I wasAnswered 09/28/08 15:36:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I can see Russian dressing from my refrigerator. Should I apply to be an ambassador? (Boy, my arms are tired.)
Submitted by Monty Anaconda from Broomall, PA
A: Will you be here all week?Answered 09/26/08 09:14:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, now that WaMu has failed, who will send me 30 credit cards every month?
Submitted by D.B. Cooper from Seattle, WA
A: We will set up an emergency federal agency.Answered 09/26/08 09:13:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Some people say that Sarah Palin's secret weapon is that she is "hot." Dave, what is your secret weapon?
Submitted by Dave Fan from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: I have a time-traveling super-intelligent invisible raccoon sidekick.Answered 09/25/08 07:30:30 by Dave Barry
Q: I feel must point out (in response to your ethanol-energy discussion) that Americans have been turning corn, in fact all food, into gas for a long, LONG time...
Submitted by Beans Beans The Magi from SF, CA
A: True. And these same Americans always sit next to me on airplanes.Answered 09/24/08 08:19:04 by Dave Barry
Q: Fast forward to the end of your second term. The media are making the inevitable lame-duck references. You're spending the waning days of your presidency picking out the wallpaper pattern and tile color of the bathrooms in your presidential library, and you've settled on the small mallard ducks with blue vertical stripes and a color known as "Toasted Pecan". So now the really important question? Who will you pardon?
Submitted by Robin Bayer from Baldwin City, KS
A: WhoeverAnswered 09/24/08 08:17:58 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, the government wants to dump toxic bank assets in a landfill near my home. Is there anything I can do to stop it?
Submitted by Alan Nimby from Newark, NJ
A: Try not to breathe.Answered 09/24/08 08:17:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, we here in Canada are also having an election right now, as I am sure you know by all the front page headlines about it in U.S. newspapers. Canadians are very concerned that the U.S. election has stolen one of our main election issues - moose dressing. Why can't American politicians find their own issues to focus on? What's next - discussing global warming, beer, and ice hockey? You won't see our politicians arguing over booger policy or if Palin's pig looks better with lipstick! (Although it may be an improvement) Your answers are very important to us.
Submitted by Paddy from Winnipeg, Canada
A: Canada has elections?Answered 09/24/08 08:17:00 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, be sure to remind your running mate that the Vice Presidential debate is on October 2.
Submitted by from
A: He or she will be there. Or, not.Answered 09/24/08 08:14:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you think that it is fair that Wall Street executives get golden parachutes while the rest of us get only a golden shower?
Submitted by I. P. Freely from Yellow Waters, NV
A: Hey, those people have worked hard for our money.Answered 09/24/08 08:14:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you be signing up for the new products from Google, including Google Toilet, which delivers contextual ads through the sewer system?
Submitted by Ed Norton from Queens, NY
A: You probably think you are kidding.Answered 09/24/08 08:13:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what is your opinion of using corn-based ethanol as part of the American energy supply? Does it make sense to use food to make fuel?
Submitted by Michael K. from Harrisburg, PA
A: It goes hand-in-hand with my plan to spend billions of dollars for scientific research to find a way to turn crude oil into Cheez-Its.Answered 09/23/08 09:43:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Since I'm certain Dave Barry died three years ago, who is actually writing these responses?
Submitted by Bob Johnson from Silver Spring, MD
A: Your question is very important to us.Answered 09/23/08 09:41:20 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, one of the major issues in this election is eighth grade algebra. Will you make it necessary for everybody to use algebra in everyday life?
Submitted by Cal Q. Luss from Infinity Loop, CA
A: Is that the one with the cosine?Answered 09/23/08 09:39:54 by Dave Barry
