The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 516 - 535 of 3092 (Page 27 of 155)Q: Your site asks me to "verify" my information before I submit a question. But in fact I can be any darn thing I want to be. I can be Ozzy, Obama, or even an ovary. I could be you. Where's the quality control?
Submitted by Dave from Florida
A: This site is equipped with special cameras, so when you submit a question, we can actually see you, Mr. Trump.Answered 06/11/08 10:48:17 by Dave Barry
Q: Who's vetting your veep?
Submitted by Velma from Valdosta
A: I don't know, but when the veep's wife finds out about it, there will be trouble.Answered 06/11/08 10:47:04 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, in my little brother's high school there are two connecting urinals sitting right next to each other without a divider, like so: UU but there is no third urinal. This makes many trips to the bathroom a violation of Guy rules. As president, would you outlaw these toilets? And P.S. Wouldn't "Connecting Urinals" be a great name for a rock band?
Submitted by Zach Stewart from Ridgewood, NJ
A: When I am president, the Mandatory Urinal Configuration (MUC) will be:U I U I U I U
With each "I" being a wall equal in height to, at minimum, Shaquille O'Neal.
Answered 06/11/08 10:45:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Is it legal to assist a voter who is handicapped by, say, being dead, to register and cast an absentee ballot? I mean, who could be more absent?
Submitted by Rich Daley from Chicago, Illinois
A: These people have suffered enough.Answered 06/11/08 10:42:57 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, you said that one reason you don't refrigerate your ketchup is so that you can put it on your skin in the summer to feel sensual. What other reasons do you not refrigerate your ketchup?
Submitted by M.T. Heinz from Pittsburgh, PA
A: It is specifically prohibited by the Bible.Answered 06/11/08 10:42:12 by Dave Barry
Q: Davey - As President, will you decree that the writers of "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" (I'm not sure how Dan Quayle spells that) officially got the last laugh?
Submitted by Tom from Ato Catsup
A: I say we drop some on Iran.Answered 06/11/08 10:40:43 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you try a little foreplay to stimulate the economy?
Submitted by Sue Johanson from Ottawa, Canada
A: I don't want to brag, but you should see my stimulus package.Answered 06/11/08 10:40:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, why does the site ask me to do that with vegetables in front of a webcam before it will post my question? And where am I supposed to find a butternut squash at this time of year?
Submitted by Shirley U. Geste from Calgary, Canada
A:Answered 06/10/08 10:21:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, are escort services still a growing portion of the economy?
Submitted by Randi from Albany, NY
A: I am personally looking into this.Answered 06/10/08 10:18:43 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, why is arthritis pain reliever packaged in bottles with impossible-to-open childproof caps?
Submitted by Kathy from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: I have argued for years that we should make crack cocaine legal, but require that it be packaged the same way as aspirin. Nobody would ever be able to use it again.Answered 06/10/08 10:18:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, If you become president can you please make Windows Vista sales illegal? Thanks, Karen
Submitted by Karen Larason from Weirdsville, Oklahoma
A: I purchased a Windows Vista computer last year, and I have to say that, despite my initial misgivings, it has almost booted all the way up.Answered 06/10/08 10:17:06 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what sort of hazing will you subject new members of your administration to?
Submitted by Beta Beta Beta from Frat Row
A:Answered 06/10/08 10:13:54 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, with the election still months away, is it too early to be thinking about ignoring Congress?
Submitted by Karl from Austin, TX
A: Ignoring what?Answered 06/10/08 10:12:15 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, were you surprised when Big Brown pulled out of the race and threw his support to Obama?
Submitted by Willie The Shoe from Saratoga Springs, NY
A: All of the other horses issued a statement endorsing me, although of course you read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media.Answered 06/09/08 10:52:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I heard "My Boy Lollipop" on the radio this morning, and all day long, I've been watching Little Mille Small clips on YouTube. Do you think this is OK?
Submitted by JAD from Kansas City Mo
A: That was the first song to attempt to rhyme "lollipop" with "giddyup." The rest is history.Answered 06/09/08 10:47:01 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you any qualms about appearing in that skimpy little resume?
Submitted by Jacques Heim from Paris, France
A: My only concern is that it will be unable to confine the massive bulge of my qualifications.Answered 06/09/08 10:42:58 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, as a member of the Detroit Redwings, you have the opportunity to spend an entire day with the Stanley Cup. Where do you plan on spending your day with the Cup?
Submitted by Conn Smythe from Toronto, Ontario
A: We're going to visit a pawn shop.Answered 06/09/08 10:40:44 by Dave Barry
Q: "Q: Boxers or briefs? Submitted by Oscar from MYOB A: Ginger. Answered 06/06/08 08:58:58 by Dave Barry" Wasn't this, like, the FIRST question (and answer) of this whole forum? Are all the questions and answers going to be reruns now?
Submitted by Sharon Assel from Falcon, MO
A: Wait... you think I remember the answers?Answered 06/09/08 10:40:16 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, If you were a plant...better yet a flower, what kind would you be?
Submitted by JD Casteel from Alva, Ok
A: The kind of flower that women wear in their cleavage.Answered 06/09/08 10:37:51 by Dave Barry
Q: How will your presidency effect economical issues such as the War on Drugs, Immigration, and rising energy prices?
Submitted by KING from Richmond, VA
A: The instant I become president, all of these issues will cease to affect me personally.Answered 06/09/08 10:37:12 by Dave Barry
