The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 496 - 515 of 3092 (Page 26 of 155)Q: Dave, when you are president, will you give the Dolphins permission to use the nuclear football in those "must win" situations?
Submitted by Larry Csonka from Syracuse, NY
A: That would be pretty much all situations.Answered 06/17/08 17:49:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, hasn't Bill Parcells seen that hearing-aid commercial featuring Don Shula?
Submitted by Samuel Morse from Charlestown, MA
A: WHAT?Answered 06/17/08 17:48:45 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will instant replay for baseball speed up the game?
Submitted by Bill Veeck from Cleveland, OH
A: It would be an important step, combined with eliminating the fourth through ninth innings.Answered 06/16/08 20:18:30 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, the Tony Awards were opposite the NBA playoffs. Which were you watching?
Submitted by A.C. Neilson from Boynton Beach, FL
A: I still cannot believe Lamar Odom won Best Musical Revival.Answered 06/16/08 20:17:41 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, in these hard times, all patriotic Americans should do what they can to reduce the burden on the Treasury. Would you encourage people to print their own money?
Submitted by Otto Bernhard from Lake Geneva, WI
A: It would be a big help.Answered 06/16/08 20:10:33 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, where is my economic stimulus check??
Submitted by Jess from Rochester, NY
A: In the mail.Answered 06/16/08 20:09:06 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how do you feel about the Abominable Snowman?
Submitted by Christine Hanson from Germantown, MD
A: He is a mythical creature who can legally vote in Florida.Answered 06/16/08 20:08:37 by Dave Barry
Q: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!
Submitted by The Dark Lord from Barad-dur, Mordor
A: Get out of this forum, Hobbit-breath.Answered 06/13/08 10:02:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you release your steamy text messages to Ingemar Johansson.
Submitted by Floyd Patterson from Brooklyn, NY
A:Answered 06/13/08 10:01:16 by Dave Barry
Q: Did you have anything to do with the pregnancy of that Weedy Sea Dragon in the Georgia Aquarium?
Submitted by Jean Michel from Papeete, Tahiti
A: She was consenting and of legal age, according to her Florida driver's license.Answered 06/13/08 10:00:20 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how will you prevent the next Star Trek movie from being a stinkeroo?
Submitted by Gene Roddenberry from Somewhere in Orbit
A: At this point, our only practical option is nuclear weapons.Answered 06/13/08 09:57:33 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, according to the time stamps on your answers from yesterday, you spent a total of nine minutes responding to hard hitting questions about your campaign. Do you expect to work this hard as President?
Submitted by Jimmy from Plains, GA
A: You think I answer these questions?Answered 06/13/08 09:56:47 by Dave Barry
Q: In some states mentally ill people who are institutionalized can cast absentee ballots. The current state of American politics is evidence that we wield considerable influence. How will you capture the delusional vote? Will you balance the ticket with a delusional Vice President? Will you remove the secret microphones and loudspeakers hidden in the walls? Will you declare war on Nurse Reese?
Submitted by His Royal Highness J from Planet Mojo
A: I will campaign among you, taking the form of a giant talking salamander.Answered 06/12/08 17:25:12 by Dave Barry
Q: How will you ensure your former press secretaries don't write slimey tell-all books after they leave the White House... assuming that Gitmo Bay is closed by then. And what's the biggest scandal they will write about?
Submitted by Okie Down Under from Auckland, NZ
A: My press secretary will be unable to read or write, and might in fact be a Labrador retriever.Answered 06/12/08 17:22:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave - it now costs more than a penny to manufacture a penny. Will you please create a law getting rid of them? They are a nuisance and can't even buy anything anymore! I demand action on this extremely important issue.
Submitted by Abe Lincoln from US Treasury
A: Years ago, I wrote a column about how ridiculous pennies are, and how everybody hates them. I called a spokesperson for the Treasury Department, who insisted that I was wrong, that polls show that Americans like pennies and want to keep them. This is when I started to realize that the entire federal government is, in its own way, on crack.Answered 06/12/08 11:03:56 by Dave Barry
Q: I recently discovered that a strip mall is not what it sounds like, AFTER I jumped at my wife's suggestion that we visit one. Why do women do this?
Submitted by Knight from Shopping City, CA
A: TheyAnswered 06/12/08 11:01:41 by Dave Barry
Q: How far can you personally throw an NBA playoff game?
Submitted by M. Donaghy from Springfield, MA
A: I became suspicious about the officiating in game three, when the refs charged four fouls to Bob Cousy.Answered 06/12/08 10:58:59 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you guarantee me twelve more weeks of unemployment?
Submitted by Luther Goldbrick from Pittsburgh, PA
A: Is this the vice president?Answered 06/12/08 10:57:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I read that the candidates are reaching out to women. Isn't that likely to get a guy's face slapped?
Submitted by Reggie Von Leer from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: It worked for Bill C.Answered 06/12/08 10:56:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you consider Adlai Stevenson as your running mate? I fail to see why his death in 1965 should make him unqualified for the Vice Presidency.
Submitted by from
A: Adlai is on the short list. But to get on the ticket, he is going to need a manly nickname, such as "Buck."Answered 06/12/08 10:56:00 by Dave Barry
