The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 456 - 475 of 3092 (Page 24 of 155)Q: Dave, according to a NY Times report, people in Pensacola 'are more likely to use Google to search for terms like “orgy” than for “apple pie” or “watermelon.”' Are these searches mutually exclusive in Florida?
Submitted by William Kuntsler from Washington, D.C.
A: That was a consenting watermelon.Answered 06/24/08 15:35:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Many voters believe the federal government is an overly-complex bureaucracy in need of consolidation. Which Departments would you consider abolishing?
Submitted by Assistant Deputy Und from Washington, DC
A: I would go by weight.Answered 06/24/08 10:08:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Would favor an Olympic-style athletic competition, except for amateurs?
Submitted by Pierre de Courbetin from Paris, France
A: That is just crazy talk.Answered 06/24/08 10:05:39 by Dave Barry
Q: When you are President we will undoubtly want you to serve until you die, my question is what happens when you die?
Submitted by Zachary O'Farre from Superior, CO
A: I will be interviewed by Larry King.Answered 06/24/08 10:04:14 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I was in the bank the other day and they were selling dollar coins. A lady in the line next to me asked the cashier if the dollar coins cost anything. The cashier replied that the dollar coins cost a dollar. Dave, will you make it a priority as president to get banks to lower their prices? I mean: paying a dollar for a dollar coin, that's just ridiculous... speaking of banks, would you consider Alan Greenspan for your running mate?
Submitted by from
A: I think we need to allow foreign dollars to come in here and compete.Answered 06/24/08 10:03:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Your Daveness - John McCain wants to give $300 million to somebody to invent a new battery. I say why stop there. Who do you want to give $300 million to?
Submitted by Hopeful George from Paris, TX
A: I'd send it to Nigeria, to pay back those email correspondents who acquired huge sums of money and were always trying to give some of it to me.Answered 06/23/08 17:21:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you consider choosing R.D. Oprea as your running mate? He played "Rapist #2" in the 1991 film "Prince of Tides"
Submitted by from
A: The Search Committee is vetting him right now, with their power vetter.Answered 06/23/08 17:19:39 by Dave Barry
Q: I know this is unpatriotic, but I've been losing my irrational and overwhelming fear of terrorists striking right here in my own hometown. I want to be a good American again, so can you scare the bejeebus out of me?
Submitted by Dexter Dreen from Medicine Lodge, KS
A: They are IN YOUR BASEMENT RIGHT NOW. (If you don't have a basement, they are in your attic or crawl space.)Answered 06/23/08 17:18:16 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, are the ants really as big as the ones in that Florida real estate promotional video, "Empire of the Ants?"
Submitted by Jackie Collins from London, UK
A: You mean the size of caribou? Yes, and they live in fear of the cockroaches.Answered 06/23/08 17:16:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Are you planning a dramatic October Surprise to affect the voting in November? Can you drop a subtle hint or two for those who have followed your campaign closely?
Submitted by The Moonglows from Doo Wop, NJ
A: I haveAnswered 06/23/08 10:23:07 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, is Generalissimo Francisco Franco still dead?
Submitted by Jane Curtin from New York, NY
A: Yes, to judge from his most recent interview with Larry King.Answered 06/22/08 12:45:41 by Dave Barry
Q: Who will you appoint to head the DEA to fight the War on Drugs?
Submitted by E.Z. Stoner from Sweet Smoke, ID
A: That guy from South Park. Mr. Mackey. Because drugs are bad, n'kay?Answered 06/22/08 12:44:33 by Dave Barry
Q: There is an underhanded plot to move the Mariners to Oklahoma. When you are president, can you move them to Miami and take all these damned--er...wunnerful Californians with them? You can have the Safeco stadium to store them in.
Submitted by Giovanni C. from Seattle, WA
A: Why is it that teams want to move to places totally unsuited to their names? The Oklahoma Mariners? That's as bad as the Utah Jazz. Something federal needs to be done, and it needs to cost billions of dollars.Answered 06/22/08 12:42:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will you do to stop media consolidation by NBC Universal, CBS Paramount, and Disney ABC?
Submitted by Rupert Murdoch from Fair and Balanced
A: I would be like, "Hey! Cut that out!" Followed by missiles.Answered 06/22/08 12:35:34 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, is it a coincidence that shortly after beating a guy named "Rocco" that "Tiger" came down with "knee" problems? (Not that I am implying anything about the Four Families who are endorsing you.)
Submitted by Don Vito from Brooklyn, NY
A: Also he found a horse head in his golf bag.Answered 06/22/08 12:31:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you have a job for Tonya Harding in your administration?
Submitted by Brian B. from San Francisco, CA
A: Secretary of Trailers.Answered 06/22/08 12:30:45 by Dave Barry
Q: When you are President what warrantless surveillance targets in the United States will you secretly authorize?
Submitted by Majority Leader Hoye from Apparatchik, MD
A: We will be keeping a close eye on Scarlett Johansson.Answered 06/22/08 12:29:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you have a "special relationship" with the British?
Submitted by Oscar Wilde from Dublin, Ireland
A: As long as they're consenting.Answered 06/20/08 14:48:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if you become president would you do something about smelly cabs?
Submitted by Art Vandelay from Memphis, Tennessee
A: I will totally stop riding in them.Answered 06/20/08 14:47:30 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, who is standing behind you right now and what are they wearing?
Submitted by Campaign Volunteer from St. Paul, MN
A: I have at all times, including in the shower, a backdrop of people of every gender, age, faith and ethnicity.Answered 06/20/08 14:46:25 by Dave Barry
