The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 436 - 455 of 3092 (Page 23 of 155)Q: Dave, what is your back-up plan if the new CERN Large Hardon Collider spawns a black hole that swallows the earth?
Submitted by Al from Princeton, NJ
A: As long as it leaves Tahiti alone, I have no objection.Answered 06/30/08 16:58:53 by Dave Barry
Q: Dear Mr Barry, do you think this question will ever be answered?
Submitted by Allie from St Louis, MO
A: I agree with the American people.Answered 06/29/08 14:56:04 by Dave Barry
Q: What question are you are most afraid of?
Submitted by John Yoo from Tenure, CA
A: "Can I see your license and registration?"Answered 06/29/08 14:55:10 by Dave Barry
Q: When you give a speech, what is the message displayed behind you on the podium backdrop?
Submitted by Bob Shrum from Subliminal, HI
A: "Your Message Here"Answered 06/29/08 14:53:38 by Dave Barry
Q: Gliddy glub gloopy Nibby nabby noopy La la la lo lo Sabba sibby sabba Nooby abba nabba Le le lo lo Tooby ooby walla Nooby abba naba? Now those were lyrics!
Submitted by Oliver from Starshine USA
A: The thing about those lyrics is, they sounded stupid even when everybody was on drugs.Answered 06/29/08 14:53:00 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if we stopped paving the roads, would this make the SUV a more sensible and cost-efficient choice of vehicle for the American public?
Submitted by Bjorn Hummer from Dearborn, MI
A: Another thing we could do is improve gas mileage by redefining "mile" to mean "200 feet."Answered 06/29/08 14:51:47 by Dave Barry
Q: Do you expect Amy Winehouse to cause any trouble at your inauguration?
Submitted by Boy George III from London, UK
A: Nah. She'll be passed out by then, along with the Cabinet.Answered 06/29/08 14:49:03 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if the Gulf of Mexico is Florida's toilet, what is Florida's toilet paper?
Submitted by Mr. Whipple from Charmin, WV
A:Answered 06/28/08 10:45:00 by Dave Barry
Q: Your Daveness, This just in from the BBC: Martian soil appears to contain sufficient nutrients to support life - or, at least, asparagus - Nasa scientists believe. Could this be the future home of the Senate or Congress? The IQ compatibility seems assured.
Submitted by jon from geneva
A: The thing is, if we DO grow asparagus on Mars, we know for a fact from numerous movies that it will eventually attack us and take over the Earth. So I am all for it.Answered 06/28/08 10:28:13 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, How big are the frogs/toads in Florida this year?
Submitted by Tonya from Hillsboro, OR
A: When they back up, they emit federally mandated warning beeps.Answered 06/28/08 10:21:35 by Dave Barry
Q: In which branch of government will your vice president sit?
Submitted by E. Rice Burroughs from Tarzana, CA
A: The Canadian branch.Answered 06/27/08 09:56:03 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you agree that a man has a Constitutional right to demand fresh Little Debbie powdered donuts, even in Kansas?
Submitted by Hank from Arlen, TX
A: This was the clear intent of the Founding Fathers.Answered 06/27/08 09:54:56 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, was it your relentless negative campaigning that forced Bill Gates out of Microsoft?
Submitted by Linus Torvalds from Helsinki, Finland
A: He calls me all the time, trying to make friends, but I just say, "Not now, Bill, I'm rebooting."Answered 06/27/08 09:54:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if the actors go on strike, does that mean that all politicians will be on the picket lines, too?
Submitted by Fred Thompson from Hollywood, CA
A: The thing is, if the actors go on strike, how will we know they're really on strike, and not just acting like they're on strike? We need hearings on this, starring Chuck Schumer.Answered 06/26/08 09:15:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you be visiting England on an official trip now that beavers can be found there again?
Submitted by J.J. Astor from New York, NY
A: Are they consenting?Answered 06/26/08 09:14:20 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, is there a book of Jungle Sayings about you? Here is one about me: "Phantom has wisdom of the elephants."
Submitted by Mr. Walker from Skull Cave
A: Yes, when I think of giant animals pooping giant poops all over the place, I think, "wisdom."Answered 06/26/08 09:14:07 by Dave Barry
Q: Your Highness (no pun intended) - The government is passing this huge mortgage bailout, but apparently I have to keep paying my mortgage. Not only that, my tax money is going to be used to bail out stupid people who made bad decisions. So I'm paying twice. When elected, will you be getting rid of Congress?
Submitted by Befuddled George from Paris, Texas
A: It will be done humanely, via buyouts.Answered 06/25/08 12:25:09 by Dave Barry
Q: Sahib Dave, your opponents in the race say that you are using child labor in Asian sweatshops to answer these questions. How are you responding, may I ask? (And, please, could we have a window?)
Submitted by 'Charles' from 'Chigago'
A: Your question is very important to us.Answered 06/25/08 12:23:21 by Dave Barry
Q: How will the American people know if the Dave Barry administration has been successful?
Submitted by Richard Fulton from Delmar, DE
A: I'll release a video.Answered 06/25/08 12:22:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you provide funds to citizen groups to eradicate marijuana, one lid at a time?
Submitted by Puna Buttah from Fern Forest, HI
A: Drugs are bad, n'kay?Answered 06/25/08 12:22:06 by Dave Barry
