The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 416 - 435 of 3092 (Page 22 of 155)Q: Dave, to be an effective President you will need an official arch-enemy. What are your plans?
Submitted by Lex from Metropolis
A: My short list includes Doctor Octopus, Lex Luthor, The Joker, and Geraldo.Answered 07/02/08 17:08:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, since you've spent so many years living in Miami, you basically have no chance of not winning Florida in the Presidential Election. What other states do you expect to win easily in?
Submitted by from
A: I am polling well in states that contain vowels.Answered 07/02/08 17:06:23 by Dave Barry
Q: When you are President, how will you repair the world's opinion of the United States?
Submitted by Angela Merkel from Berlin, Germany
A: I will use persuasion, combined with missiles.Answered 07/02/08 17:05:14 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave Key West has become considerably less weird. What can be done about this?
Submitted by Dave from Key West
A: You need to re-elect Captain Tony as mayor, if he's still alive. Even if he isn't. And have more sunsets. And refuse to allow cruise-ship passengers to disembark unless they're naked. No, wait, scratch that. Yes, that.Answered 07/02/08 17:04:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I have been shot down any number of times. Does that qualify me for public office?
Submitted by Larry Lothario from Blue Moon Lounge
A: I don't see why not.Answered 07/02/08 12:42:53 by Dave Barry
Q: The Constitution sets the bar pretty low for Presidents--just minimum age and citizenship. Shouldn't there by some other screening, like psychiatric examination? Or at least a literacy test?
Submitted by Brent Scowcroft from Gravitas, ME
A: Also a full-body MRI. I am sick and tired of all these presidents with alien larvae living inside their chests. They know who they are.Answered 07/02/08 12:42:17 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when does a world champion stop being a world champion? Take your Miami Heat for example: did they stop being world champions when they lost to the Bulls in the first round of the 2007 playoffs? Or did they remain world champions until the Spurs won the 2007 NBA Finals?
Submitted by from
A: Legally, you remain NBA world champions for as long as the average sports fan sitting in a bar located outside of your market can remember who won the NBA title. In other words, about four days.Answered 07/02/08 12:34:57 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, while on a "business" trip without my wife, I got some fungible assets. (Alcohol might have been involved.) What should I do?
Submitted by Larry Craig from Boise, ID
A: You need to liquidate your debentures, repeating as necessary.Answered 07/02/08 12:30:25 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, why is Miami not the city with the worst drivers in America, according to Allstate? Are you guys slacking off?
Submitted by Nationwide from On Your Side (HAHAHAHA!)
A: We filed a formal complaint, but unfortunately it was destroyed in an accident.Answered 07/02/08 12:25:25 by Dave Barry
Q: President Kennedy challenged America to land a man on the moon within a decade. What noble and lofty goal will you set before the nation?
Submitted by Neal Armstrong from the Sea of Tranquility
A: I am challenging the nation to set me up for life in a luxury compound in Tahiti.Answered 07/01/08 10:47:40 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, you've stated several times that you where born in 1947, so why are you running for President now when you could have run as early as 1984? Where you too chicken to run against Reagan?
Submitted by from
A: I actually won the 1984 election, but the so-called "mainstream media" chose to ignore it.Answered 07/01/08 10:45:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you call for a United Nations Security Council meeting to investigate the claim that the French army has real bullets that might fall into the hands of French soldiers?
Submitted by Gen. Bruno Cuche from Paris, TX
A: This must never be allowed to happen.Answered 07/01/08 10:43:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you have a presidential commission to investigate what happened to the real Eddie Murphy?
Submitted by Mr. Rogers from The Neighborhood
A: He's trapped inside a much larger Eddie Murphy.Answered 07/01/08 10:42:41 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you want to go hang with Robert Mugabe?
Submitted by Cecil John Rhodes from DeBeers
A: Sure. Just me and Bob, and Bob's 47 armed thugs, chillin'.Answered 07/01/08 10:42:09 by Dave Barry
Q: When you're with a crowd of adoring supporters at a campaign event, do you take some time to "press the flesh"?
Submitted by Jimmy Dobson from Leviticus, TX
A: Is that what they call it these days?Answered 06/30/08 17:11:53 by Dave Barry
Q: I'm getting tired of having hurricanes named with girl names or boy names. Will you instruct the National Weather Service to come up with something different?
Submitted by Andrew Katrina from Galveston, TX
A: I think we should name them after popular phrases, such as "Hurricane Yankees Suck."Answered 06/30/08 17:11:26 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, believe it or not, Congressman John Conyers asked a question the other day that could have a big impact on the course of your presidency on the beach at Tahiti: "Could the president order a suspect buried alive?"
Submitted by David Addington from Undisclosed VP Office
A: Only if he is really suspicious.Answered 06/30/08 17:06:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what stores would you add to the National Mall to spruce up its image?
Submitted by Pierre L'Enfant from Potomac, MD
A: Two words: food court.Answered 06/30/08 17:05:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will you do to make America a stable nation?
Submitted by Big Brown from Ocala, FL
A: I will import huge numbers of cheap foreign stables.Answered 06/30/08 17:05:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will your administration's policies be more like Edward Lear's poetry or Lewis Carroll's?
Submitted by Tony Scalia from Washington, D.C.
A: They will be more like Chuck Berry's.Answered 06/30/08 17:04:35 by Dave Barry
