The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 396 - 415 of 3092 (Page 21 of 155)Q: Dave, who's shorter, Tom Cruise or Russian president Medvedev?
Submitted by Mike Bloomberg from Gracie Mansion
A: Both men can easily travel as overhead luggage.Answered 07/08/08 12:34:34 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave - is there an easy way to go back in your oh-so-well-designed Q&A blog to question #1 and read all the questions in chronological order? I would prefer not to use calculus (although I will factor a polynomial, if necessary).
Submitted by Ferd Berfle from Undercover, USA
A: Nobody has ever figured out how to do this. It would be pointless anyway, since the answers to the first thousand or so questions were always either "Ginger" or "I agree with the American people."Answered 07/08/08 12:32:27 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will happen to your FBI file when you become president?
Submitted by Clyde Tolson from Hoover Building, D.C.
A: It will be made into a major motion picture.Answered 07/08/08 12:30:28 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you restrict the sale of bull semen and brassieres to Iran?
Submitted by Don Rumsfeld from Standing at my desk.
A: They're driving up prices worldwide.Answered 07/08/08 12:28:34 by Dave Barry
Q: How does your campaign prevent internal feuds among the staff?
Submitted by Mark Penn from Friction, OK
A: It's not a problem. After a couple of house they pass out.Answered 07/08/08 12:27:58 by Dave Barry
Q: What if Tahiti doesn't approve your visa application?
Submitted by US Consulate from Tahiti
A: I will send a persuasive letter, attached to a missile.Answered 07/08/08 12:27:32 by Dave Barry
Q: Does your campaign take a principled position on the Designated Hitter?
Submitted by Harold Baines from Chicago, IL
A: I think it's fine, with one modification: He should have to wear a tutu.Answered 07/08/08 12:26:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, according to a recent article in USA Today, officials in St. Paul, Minnesota are planning to give birth control pills to pigeons in order to reduce their population and “clean up the streets.” Do you think this is a good idea?
Submitted by Alert Reader from Boise, ID
A: I think it will just encourage pigeons to engage in wanton sex. So I am all for it.Answered 07/07/08 09:43:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave Barry, Some of your answers give me the impression you want to be president just so you can be set up for life in a mansion in Tahiti. I think you don't care at all what happens to America. You just want to spend taxpayer money to keep yourself in luxury. Of course you're still the best candidate for president and you got my vote.
Submitted by BobC from Margate, Florida
A: Thank you.Answered 07/07/08 09:41:16 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will Women's Beach Volleyball become a wedge issue?
Submitted by Kerri and Misty from Malibu, CA
A: Wait... they're using a ball?Answered 07/07/08 09:35:11 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did they ever discover who let the dogs out?
Submitted by Timmy from In The Well
A: We need to invent a time machine so we can send somebody back to whack the composer of that song before he writes it.Answered 07/07/08 09:34:07 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will you do to protect the environment?... let me rephrase that: what will you do to protect the environment in Tahiti?
Submitted by from
A: I will protect the environment by not going anywhere near it.Answered 07/06/08 15:39:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how did the Marlins manage to blow a nine run lead?
Submitted by Jim Leyland from Detroit, MI
A: They put several Dolphins into the game.Answered 07/05/08 14:56:28 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, perennial presidential candidate Lyndon LaRouche provides a convincing argument that all laptop computers are possessed by the devil. Can we expect you to ban all federal use of laptops?
Submitted by Ralph Nader from Washington, DC
A: I'm guessing that Lyndon has Vista.Answered 07/05/08 10:35:27 by Dave Barry
Q: How will you demonstrate your patriotism on this Fourth of July weekend?
Submitted by Jim from Vienna, Austria
A: I will drink mainly American beer.Answered 07/05/08 10:18:17 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you have enough Paypal funds to buy votes on eBay?
Submitted by Pierre Omidyar from Honolulu, HI
A: People who vote for me will receive cash money, which will be dispensed on the spot directly from the voting machine.Answered 07/05/08 10:16:30 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, just how close a "friend" are you to A-Rod? (Not that I'm jealous, or anything.)
Submitted by Guy Ritchie from London, England
A: I help him with his grip.Answered 07/04/08 13:16:07 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when you wrote, "Bounded rationality is not a refutation of the rational actor model; to the contrary, it attempts to fine-tune the model to take account of predictable cognitive limitations and biases. Despite occasional references to irrationality in the literature, there is nothing in fact irrational about bounded rationality," what the hell did you mean?
Submitted by Dudley McNeill from Harvard Law
A: I think it's obvious. I was hammered.Answered 07/04/08 13:15:35 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will whipped cream play an important part in your cabinet meetings?
Submitted by Bob Barr from Atlanta, GA
A: That is a tradition dating back to Grover Cleveland.Answered 07/03/08 10:20:36 by Dave Barry
Q: How did the Superdelegates get their super-powers?
Submitted by William J. Clinton from Pistov, NY
A: They were bitten by a radioactive state legislator.Answered 07/03/08 10:20:07 by Dave Barry
