The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 376 - 395 of 3092 (Page 20 of 155)Q: Mr. Barry, I realize that you are the personification of the stupid American, who has not the slightest knowledge of geography or international politics, but even you should be aware that Tahiti is a Department of France. Your proposal, therefore, to appropriate most of Tahiti for your Presidential Mansion is unacceptable, and any attempt to implement it will be considered an act of war, to which the French Government is prepared to react with the most strenuous pouting.
Submitted by Nick Sarkozy from Elysee Palace, France
A: Oooh.Answered 07/11/08 08:54:54 by Dave Barry
Q: Former Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas) said he thinks the US is in "a mental recession." Do you agree?
Submitted by Tom D. Lay from Enron, TX
A: I... what was the question again?Answered 07/10/08 17:10:45 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr. Barry. It has been a life-long dream of mine to follow in the footsteps of other Great Americans such as Roscoe "H." Hillenkoetter and William "Hedgcock" Webster and become Director of the CIA. What must I do to be appointed to this position during your administration?
Submitted by SmartAss from Berlin, Germany
A: Send me aAnswered 07/10/08 09:38:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, the Supreme Court has said that the detainees at Guantanamo Bay must have lawyers. Is this not cruel and unusual punishment?
Submitted by Fat Tony Scalia from Washington, D.C.
A: I see nothing in the Supreme Court ruling requiring that these be live lawyers.Answered 07/10/08 09:37:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I am a truly awesome guitarist, but I want to use a fake name for my on-stage persona. All the good names have been taken, like Slash, or The Edge. Since you are Mr. Language Person and part of a rock band yourself, can you help me out here?
Submitted by Milton Fernfarmer from Toledo, OH
A: You could be: The Condiment.Answered 07/10/08 09:36:29 by Dave Barry
Q: You are unknown in Australia. How do you expect to make friends with Australian politicians who have always had an alliance with the USA?
Submitted by Barbara Dowling from Canberra Australian Capital Territory
A: I'm unknown where?Answered 07/10/08 09:33:21 by Dave Barry
Q: How will you deal with a Russian President who is well over four feet tall?
Submitted by Okie Down Under from Auckland, NZ
A: I will speak frankly with him about our common interests, then put my cigar out on the top of his head.Answered 07/10/08 09:32:44 by Dave Barry
Q: I have a footwear preference question: Are you for or against flip-flops?
Submitted by Johnnie McClaim from Mesquite Grill, AZ
A: Definitely.Answered 07/09/08 09:47:34 by Dave Barry
Q: DAVE, WHO WILL BE YOUR RUNNING MATE AND WILL YOU MAKE HIM/HER STAY HERE?
Submitted by CAROL from DUBLIN, OH
A: I HAVE ANSWERED THIS QUESTION REPEATEDLY. BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?Answered 07/09/08 09:47:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you remember the first question you ever answered on this forum? The question came from Howard from Sacramento, California. Howard asked "Why is man born only to suffer and die?" On Monday, June 18, 2007 at 11:02 PM and 41 seconds, you said in response "I would have to blame women."
Submitted by from
A: OK.Answered 07/09/08 09:46:46 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr. Barry, would you like to tell Ferd Berfle from Undercover, USA, who asked about how to easily start at question #1, that all he need do is go to the second page and replace the "p2" before .html with "p136", or shall I?
Submitted by SmartAss from Berlin, Germany
A: Let him figure it out on his own.Answered 07/09/08 09:45:28 by Dave Barry
Q: It's pretty clear what you'll get out of being elected President--Tahiti, awesome perks, unlimited power. But the other candidates are promising us voters all sorts of stuff. Ante up, Dave! What's in it for us?
Submitted by Luke Gofannon from Port Rupert, NJ
A: Why is everything always about you?Answered 07/09/08 09:44:48 by Dave Barry
Q: Have you selected a name for the Presidential residence in Tahiti?
Submitted by Titus Groan from Gormenghast, NH
A: "Club Executive Branch"Answered 07/09/08 09:43:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, now this spells trouble. Was it a consenting watermelon, or do you agree with the American people? Because it can't possibly be both.
Submitted by just an ordinary guy from the CIA headquarters
A: That is my feeling exactly.Answered 07/09/08 09:42:17 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, the answer you gave for Mark Penn's question reads as follows: "It's not a problem. After a couple of house they pass out." Can you say "proofreader?"
Submitted by your English teacher from Pleasantville High School
A: Sometimes it takes three house.Answered 07/09/08 09:40:00 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will you do about the iguanas swimming in my pool and sitting on my deck chairs?
Submitted by Commish Koons from Palm Beach, FL
A: There will be a special subcommittee, chaired by Chuck Schumer.Answered 07/09/08 09:39:04 by Dave Barry
Q: In a survey, voters associated John McCain with the word "old" and Barack Obama with the word "change." What words do voters associate with Dave Barry?
Submitted by Sigmund Id from Vienna, Austria
A: "Booger."Answered 07/09/08 09:38:27 by Dave Barry
Q: I hear that you have a larger entourage than any of the other candidates. What should they do to deal with their deficiencies?
Submitted by Y Da Man from Hollywood CA
A: They are already packing zucchini the size of pontoons.Answered 07/08/08 14:41:32 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you rather be feared or loved as president, assuming the action is the same either way?
Submitted by Gaius Caligula from Palatine, Rome
A: I'd rather be anonymous. I'd like to live quietly and privately in Tahiti, like the late Marlon Brando, but with snipers to take out the paparazzi.Answered 07/08/08 14:40:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Aren't all state legislators pretty much radioactive nowadays?
Submitted by Howard Weaver from Sacramento, CA
A: They do glow, but that's because they contain jellyfish genes.Answered 07/08/08 12:37:55 by Dave Barry
