The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 16 - 35 of 2722 (Page 2 of 137)Q: Mr. Barry, would you like to tell Ferd Berfle from Undercover, USA, who asked about how to easily start at question #1, that all he need do is go to the second page and replace the "p2" before .html with "p136", or shall I?
Submitted by SmartAss from Berlin, Germany
A: Let him figure it out on his own.Answered 07/09/08 09:45:28 by Dave Barry
Q: It's pretty clear what you'll get out of being elected President--Tahiti, awesome perks, unlimited power. But the other candidates are promising us voters all sorts of stuff. Ante up, Dave! What's in it for us?
Submitted by Luke Gofannon from Port Rupert, NJ
A: Why is everything always about you?Answered 07/09/08 09:44:48 by Dave Barry
Q: Have you selected a name for the Presidential residence in Tahiti?
Submitted by Titus Groan from Gormenghast, NH
A: "Club Executive Branch"Answered 07/09/08 09:43:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, now this spells trouble. Was it a consenting watermelon, or do you agree with the American people? Because it can't possibly be both.
Submitted by just an ordinary guy from the CIA headquarters
A: That is my feeling exactly.Answered 07/09/08 09:42:17 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, the answer you gave for Mark Penn's question reads as follows: "It's not a problem. After a couple of house they pass out." Can you say "proofreader?"
Submitted by your English teacher from Pleasantville High School
A: Sometimes it takes three house.Answered 07/09/08 09:40:00 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will you do about the iguanas swimming in my pool and sitting on my deck chairs?
Submitted by Commish Koons from Palm Beach, FL
A: There will be a special subcommittee, chaired by Chuck Schumer.Answered 07/09/08 09:39:04 by Dave Barry
Q: In a survey, voters associated John McCain with the word "old" and Barack Obama with the word "change." What words do voters associate with Dave Barry?
Submitted by Sigmund Id from Vienna, Austria
A: "Booger."Answered 07/09/08 09:38:27 by Dave Barry
Q: I hear that you have a larger entourage than any of the other candidates. What should they do to deal with their deficiencies?
Submitted by Y Da Man from Hollywood CA
A: They are already packing zucchini the size of pontoons.Answered 07/08/08 14:41:32 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you rather be feared or loved as president, assuming the action is the same either way?
Submitted by Gaius Caligula from Palatine, Rome
A: I'd rather be anonymous. I'd like to live quietly and privately in Tahiti, like the late Marlon Brando, but with snipers to take out the paparazzi.Answered 07/08/08 14:40:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Aren't all state legislators pretty much radioactive nowadays?
Submitted by Howard Weaver from Sacramento, CA
A: They do glow, but that's because they contain jellyfish genes.Answered 07/08/08 12:37:55 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, who's shorter, Tom Cruise or Russian president Medvedev?
Submitted by Mike Bloomberg from Gracie Mansion
A: Both men can easily travel as overhead luggage.Answered 07/08/08 12:34:34 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave - is there an easy way to go back in your oh-so-well-designed Q&A blog to question #1 and read all the questions in chronological order? I would prefer not to use calculus (although I will factor a polynomial, if necessary).
Submitted by Ferd Berfle from Undercover, USA
A: Nobody has ever figured out how to do this. It would be pointless anyway, since the answers to the first thousand or so questions were always either "Ginger" or "I agree with the American people."Answered 07/08/08 12:32:27 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will happen to your FBI file when you become president?
Submitted by Clyde Tolson from Hoover Building, D.C.
A: It will be made into a major motion picture.Answered 07/08/08 12:30:28 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would you restrict the sale of bull semen and brassieres to Iran?
Submitted by Don Rumsfeld from Standing at my desk.
A: They're driving up prices worldwide.Answered 07/08/08 12:28:34 by Dave Barry
Q: How does your campaign prevent internal feuds among the staff?
Submitted by Mark Penn from Friction, OK
A: It's not a problem. After a couple of house they pass out.Answered 07/08/08 12:27:58 by Dave Barry
Q: What if Tahiti doesn't approve your visa application?
Submitted by US Consulate from Tahiti
A: I will send a persuasive letter, attached to a missile.Answered 07/08/08 12:27:32 by Dave Barry
Q: Does your campaign take a principled position on the Designated Hitter?
Submitted by Harold Baines from Chicago, IL
A: I think it's fine, with one modification: He should have to wear a tutu.Answered 07/08/08 12:26:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, according to a recent article in USA Today, officials in St. Paul, Minnesota are planning to give birth control pills to pigeons in order to reduce their population and “clean up the streets.” Do you think this is a good idea?
Submitted by Alert Reader from Boise, ID
A: I think it will just encourage pigeons to engage in wanton sex. So I am all for it.Answered 07/07/08 09:43:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave Barry, Some of your answers give me the impression you want to be president just so you can be set up for life in a mansion in Tahiti. I think you don't care at all what happens to America. You just want to spend taxpayer money to keep yourself in luxury. Of course you're still the best candidate for president and you got my vote.
Submitted by BobC from Margate, Florida
A: Thank you.Answered 07/07/08 09:41:16 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will Women's Beach Volleyball become a wedge issue?
Submitted by Kerri and Misty from Malibu, CA
A: Wait... they're using a ball?Answered 07/07/08 09:35:11 by Dave Barry
