The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 356 - 375 of 3092 (Page 19 of 155)Q: Dave, when elected president, will you still be writing for the Miami Herald?
Submitted by John from White Sands Missile Range, New Mexico
A: I don't expect the presidency to interfere with any of my current activities.Answered 07/21/08 13:56:42 by Dave Barry
Q: There are accusations that the press corps "fawns" around Barack Obama. What do they do around you?
Submitted by Crit Ick from Center for New Media
A: Mostly vomiting. But in a positive way.Answered 07/21/08 13:55:21 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what's it like having sex with a Gladiator Frog?
Submitted by Wilbur from Power Cable, Nebraska
A: The really impressive part is the way they light the cigarette afterward.Answered 07/21/08 09:43:44 by Dave Barry
Q: So, Dave, If you're elected, will our dreadful educational system still be under the "No child left untested" system or are we doomed to keep learning useless information that will never apply to most of our lives like... oh, say, triganometry?
Submitted by Eilidh *Ellie* Hanra from Paris, Tx
A: I am in favor of banning any mention of the "cosine" in our school classrooms until somebody provides photographic evidence that it actually exists.Answered 07/21/08 09:41:25 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, both John McCain and Barack Obama recently visited the state of New Mexico. Will you visit us soon? We have a choice of both red and green chili! Will you take Bill Richardson with you when you leave?
Submitted by Bill Mader from Rio Rancho, NM
A: There's a state called "New Mexico?"Answered 07/21/08 09:39:36 by Dave Barry
Q: As president of the United States, how will you bring liberals and conservatives together?
Submitted by Ron from Scappoose, OR
A:Answered 07/21/08 09:37:21 by Dave Barry
Q: HI DAVE, I'M BILLY MAYS, FAMOUS TV SPOKESMAN. I CAN'T SPEAK AT A NORMAL VOLUME, NO MATTER HOW BORING AND POINTLESS THE PRODUCT I'M SELLING IS. DAVE, WOULD YOU CONSIDER LARRY KING AS YOUR RUNNING MATE?
Submitted by BILLY MAYS from
A: I think that, legally, the vice president has to be alive.Answered 07/21/08 09:36:16 by Dave Barry
Q: Aren't you tired of congress whining about the price of gas? As president would you force all those jerks on the Hill to get off their greasy fat butts and focus on really important issues? Like baseballs on steroids? Wouldn't a few more months of that spectacle get the country on the right track?
Submitted by HypnoToad from Elk Snout, ID
A: I think they should hold hearings, chaired by Chuck Schumer, where they accuse oil-company executives of using steroids.Answered 07/21/08 09:34:21 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you agree that we have become "a nation of winos?"
Submitted by Manny O'Manisch from Thunderbird, NY
A: Are you going to finish that?Answered 07/21/08 09:32:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when will my new iPhone work?
Submitted by Woz from Cupertino, CA
A: Your call is very important to us.Answered 07/21/08 09:31:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did you really think that The Aristocrats were the best act to open your campaign rallies?
Submitted by Bob Saget from Atlantic City, NJ
A: It was them or Madonna, and we decided to go classy.Answered 07/21/08 09:28:40 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, have you ever engaged in any naked shorting on Wall Street?
Submitted by Dick Grasso from New York, NY
A: I was young, and I needed the options.Answered 07/21/08 09:27:46 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did you interview any howler monkeys, I mean any potential cabinet secretaries in Costa Rica?
Submitted by Jock Mahoney from South Boston
A: Howler monkeys would make excellent government officials, because of their tendency to express disagreement with critics by defecating on them from trees.Answered 07/21/08 09:27:05 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what advice would you have for me in dealing with Jason Taylor?
Submitted by Jim Zorn from Washington, D.C.
A: Let him lead. Especially during the tango.Answered 07/21/08 09:19:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did you find any "facts" on your fact-finding trip to Costa Rica, and how much do they charge per hour?
Submitted by Eliot Spitzer from Manhattan, KS
A: Those were consenting facts.Answered 07/21/08 09:19:08 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, where will you be driving 55 MPH?
Submitted by McGruff from Safety Lane
A: Maybe in the living room.Answered 07/12/08 11:15:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Will you still be able to do all the eavesdropping you want with this new FISA bill?
Submitted by Connie from Roslyn, PA
A: I don't understand why the government goes to all this trouble to listen in on phone conversations, when you can go anywhere in America and hear any number of Americans SHOUTING INTO THEIR PHONES.Answered 07/11/08 09:04:08 by Dave Barry
Q: I really said "I want a cup of nut sauce."
Submitted by Jesse from Chicao, Ill
A: That's even worse.Answered 07/11/08 09:02:45 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, recently you claimed that American voters would associate you with the word "booger". Dave, look at yourself: your hair is ugly, your face is ugly, your skin is ugly, your clothes are ugly, your sense of humor is ugly, and seeing as how you mock songs like "I Write The Songs" and "Looks like We Made It", you clearly have an ugly taste in music... face it Dave, the only word American voters will associate you with is "ugly".
Submitted by Barry Manilow from Los Angeles, Ca
A: Hey, do you have a deal where every tenth facelift you get is free?Answered 07/11/08 08:59:56 by Dave Barry
Q: How are you preparing to defend your coconuts plantation? Just curious
Submitted by Jessie Jackson from Chicago
A: You stay away from my coconuts.Answered 07/11/08 08:57:21 by Dave Barry
