The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 336 - 355 of 3092 (Page 18 of 155)Q: Dave, would it solve the problem of childhood obesity if children were forced to catch and kill their own snacks, the way we had to when we were kids, walking barefoot through the snow, winter or summer, ten miles uphill both ways?
Submitted by Richard Simmons from Gimmeabreak, WI
A: You had FEET?Answered 07/25/08 09:21:38 by Dave Barry
Q: If you are elected, what position will "Walter" hold in your administration?
Submitted by The Carpenter from Sealing Wax, PA
A: He will be secretary of commerce, while continuing to serve as the bone from the penis of a walrus (retired).Answered 07/24/08 09:38:09 by Dave Barry
Q: Hi, I would like to know about ithe Retailer's collapse hits mall owners: 1- why do malls charge lower rents per square to anchor stores than they do to other stores? 2- recently, why have some mall owners been willing to offer payments to Steve and Barry's to locate in their mall? 3- why did these payments mislead the investors in Steve and Barry's?
Submitted by Josefina from Queens from Queens
A: What?Answered 07/24/08 09:36:48 by Dave Barry
Q: White Cheddar Cheez-its: Triumph or Tragedy?
Submitted by dsutton from Illinois
A: When I see all these mutant "specialty" Cheez-It varieties on the supermarket shelf and NOT ONE SINGLE BOX OF REGULAR CHEEZ-ITS because PEOPLE BOUGHT ALL THE REGULAR CHEEZ-ITS because WHAT PEOPLE WANT IS REGULAR FREAKING CHEEZ-ITS, I have to ask my self exactly what the HELL the so-called "Food and Drug Administration" thinks it is administering.Answered 07/24/08 09:36:07 by Dave Barry
Q: It's a documented fact that the letters in Barack Hussein Obama can be rearranged to spell Brackish Amoeba Anus. As president, what will you do about this outrage?
Submitted by Ray from Sierra Vista, AZ
A: Everything I can.Answered 07/24/08 09:32:32 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, according to a recent study, American voters cannot explain basic political concepts such as liberal and conservative, and do not know what positions the candidates have on the issues. Do you see any down side to this voter ignorance for your campaign?
Submitted by Alex de Tocqueville from Paris, France
A: It's not "ignorance." It's looking at other candidate qualities, such as height.Answered 07/24/08 09:31:56 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would it be an invasion of your privacy to publish the photos of you at the Fascist-themed S&M orgy?
Submitted by Max 'Out' from London, England
A: Those were consenting fascists.Answered 07/24/08 09:29:37 by Dave Barry
Q: Should the US invade and annex Canada so as to complete the job left unfinished in 1812?
Submitted by Rick Jackson from Reno, NV
A: They have pushed us around long enough.Answered 07/23/08 10:41:20 by Dave Barry
Q: Hardly anybody in Idaho knows you're running for president, Dave. How do propose to fix this?
Submitted by Mike in Idaho from Pocatello, Idaho
A: I will take a wide stance in Idaho.Answered 07/23/08 10:40:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Thinking ahead, where will your presidential library be located? And how many comic books will it hold?
Submitted by Okie Down Under from Auckland, NZ
A: I'm not going to have a presidential library. I'm going to have a presidential game room.Answered 07/23/08 10:37:13 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, the TSA is installing scanners in airports that can see through peoples clothes! If you are elected president, what if anything would you do about this?
Submitted by April from Dallas, TX
A: I would oversee this personally.Answered 07/23/08 10:36:04 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I've noticed a disturbing trend in the women's swimwear industry: It is becoming acceptable to price and sell the bikini top separately from the bikini bottom. Obviously, this could lead to some tragic misunderstandings when purchasing a bikini. What will you do about it -- besides watch the trend closely, that is.
Submitted by Babs Boxer from San Francisco, CA
A: This is my signature issue.Answered 07/23/08 10:31:45 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you have a term like "Obamania" to describe the degree of enthusiasm about your campaign?
Submitted by Joe Pulitzer from Chicago, Illinois
A: Yes: "Davargy." It's a combination of "Dave" and "Lethargy." It might catch on! Although I honestly don't care.Answered 07/23/08 10:31:11 by Dave Barry
Q: Having just returned from Disney World, can you recommend a way that I can get rid of "It's a Small World After All" from running as a continuous tape loop in my head. I will make a HUGE contribution to yo...It's a small world after all...
Submitted by Minnie and Micky from VA
A: That ride is a lot better when you takeAnswered 07/22/08 10:09:09 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if you're going to cow the leaders of rogue states into doing your bidding, you'll need to adopt a more belligerent-sounding name. Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda already grabbed the best one, but that doesn't mean you can't upgrade. Any ideas?
Submitted by Thor, God of Thunder from Oslo
A: About what?Answered 07/22/08 10:08:25 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, who do you blame for rising gas prices?
Submitted by John D. Rockefeller from Richford, NY
A: I blame market forces. But these market forces are coming from outer space.Answered 07/22/08 10:08:01 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, now that a Federal Court has thrown out the fines for the 2004 Superbowl halftime incident, will wardrobe malfunctions become a regular feature of your campaign and sporting events in general?
Submitted by Justin from Orlando, FL
A: To guard against the danger of wardrobe malfunctions, all the performers at my campaign events will be naked.Answered 07/22/08 10:04:13 by Dave Barry
Q: When you become president, what will you do about morons who place their half-consumed beverage cups in parking lot stalls precisely where I will step when I get out of my car?
Submitted by Justin Case from Boise, ID
A: They will receive the death penalty, plus a $50 fine for the second offense.Answered 07/22/08 10:01:58 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I had a buck thirty four in my IndyMac account when the government seized it. When can I expect my hundred thousand dollar insurance payment from FDIC to arrive? Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.
Submitted by Johnny Dollar from Action Packed Expense Acct
A: It is on the way.Answered 07/22/08 10:00:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Why is it that when we are children with perfect eyesight, our books have humongous type, but when we grow older and our vision gets worse, we have to read materials set in miniscule type?
Submitted by Kathy from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: Whatever you wrote there, I agree with it.Answered 07/21/08 15:45:43 by Dave Barry
