The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 216 - 235 of 2831 (Page 12 of 142)Q: Dave, I hate my job. I REALLY hate my job. What will the Dave administration do to make sure I have a job that uses my talents? I should be making insane amounts of money shopping for shoes. I'm very, very good at it.
Submitted by Trapped Girl from Hillsboro, Oregon
A: Is this the First Lady?Answered 06/20/08 14:41:54 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how would you solve the government's procurement problems?
Submitted by D. Safavian from Alexandria, VA
A: Two words: Eliot SpitzerAnswered 06/20/08 14:38:59 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, according to Michael Gerson, President Bush's former speechwriter, you are too vulgar to be president.
Submitted by Albert Einstein from Duluth, MN
A: IAnswered 06/20/08 14:38:04 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how are you weighing your potential vice presidential candidates?
Submitted by Jarod from Toledo, OH
A: We put them on a scale, then subtract the total poundage of their restraints.Answered 06/20/08 14:35:35 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you claim executive privilege for the years before you became president?
Submitted by Yoo-Hoo from Stanford U
A: Those were all consenting executives.Answered 06/20/08 14:33:40 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what do you have to say for yourself after being caught habeasing that corpus?
Submitted by Anthony Kennedy from Washington, D.C.
A: That was a consenting corpus.Answered 06/19/08 16:31:05 by Dave Barry
Q: Prince Dave - Referring to one's self in the third person is the height of arrogance, but every time I hear someone do so, I always wish I'd thought to. Once elected president, will you be referring to yourself only as "The President," such as when you awaken from your nap and say, "The President likes this topless beach."
Submitted by George from says hi
A: Dave Barry is far too humble for that.Answered 06/19/08 16:30:09 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, a police watchdog has alleged that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police use tasers too often. Is this one instance in which you can support the Canadians?
Submitted by Dudley Doright from Northern Territories, Canada
A: They tasered their own dog?Answered 06/19/08 16:28:42 by Dave Barry
Q: My worst fear is that you'll be actually elected President of the United States of America but we'll read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. Indeed, how would YOU know about it?
Submitted by Gianni from beyond the Pond
A: That is EXACTLY what happened in 2004.Answered 06/19/08 16:26:58 by Dave Barry
Q: Now that the Celtics are leading the NBA finals four games to two, who do you think will win the decisive seventh game?
Submitted by Kobe from Los Angeles, CA
A: It's do or die for both teams.Answered 06/19/08 16:26:07 by Dave Barry
Q: Do you realize that, under your proposal of 06/16/08 20:18:30, the Marlins would have only won one game of the 1997 World Series? Do you still think that it's a good idea to eliminate the last 6 innings?
Submitted by Bart Steveman from 10 miles from the ballpark
A: OK, we can keep the innings. But the pitcher must be blindfolded.Answered 06/19/08 16:25:33 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, why do people in Boston pronounce Celtic as though it were spelled with an initial "S", when everywhere else Celtic is pronounced as though it were spelled with a "K?"
Submitted by Red "Arnold from Boston, MA
A: They're drunk.Answered 06/19/08 16:24:07 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when you become President, do you think you could hunt down and punish those responsible for designing spray bottles with tubes that don't reach all the way to the bottom?
Submitted by Glenn from Boise, ID
A: Sen. Chuck "Chuck" Schumer has introduced 17 pieces of major legislation on this.Answered 06/18/08 10:52:54 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how did you acquire your super power of converting beer to bodily fluids? Was radioactivity involved?
Submitted by Silver Bullet from Denver, CO
A: I was bitten by a spider, but I won't tell you where. OK, I'll tell you: New Jersey.Answered 06/18/08 10:51:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, will you have the latest technology in the Tahiti White House? I hear that John McCain is thinking of having a telegraph installed.
Submitted by Webster Browser III from Mozilla, CA
A: It will run Windows 95.Answered 06/18/08 10:50:50 by Dave Barry
Q: will you take nuclear weapons off the table? Cause they take up a lot of space and are radiating my cabbage.
Submitted by john daly from burlington vermont
A: We need more thinkers who are thinking like you.Answered 06/18/08 10:50:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, regarding your Universal Health Care plan, where in the Universe will I be covered?
Submitted by Edwin Hubble from Palo Alto, CA
A: Everything from Uranus on down. Thank you, you've been a great crowd.Answered 06/17/08 17:53:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how would you settle the conflict that is raging between the two hummingbirds who are fighting for control of the feeders that I hung in the yard?
Submitted by J.J. Audubon from New York, NY
A: I would send former President Carter out there to mediate, ideally with a tennis racket.Answered 06/17/08 17:52:13 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, people keep asking me, "If the election were held tomorrow, who would you vote for?" Isn't it "whom?" And is the election tomorrow?
Submitted by George Cantor from Puyallup, WA
A: It depends.Answered 06/17/08 17:49:56 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when you are president, will you give the Dolphins permission to use the nuclear football in those "must win" situations?
Submitted by Larry Csonka from Syracuse, NY
A: That would be pretty much all situations.Answered 06/17/08 17:49:08 by Dave Barry
