The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 196 - 215 of 3092 (Page 11 of 155)Q: If elected President of the United States...what beer would you make the National Beer of the United States?
Submitted by MattM. from Landrum, SC
A: It would definitely be imported.Answered 09/16/08 11:18:04 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, Will you be giving an original speech at your inauguration or using "classic" material originally published on October 14, 2001?
Submitted by Les Whitmore from Cedar City, UT
A: I am not planning to attend my inauguration.Answered 09/16/08 11:15:35 by Dave Barry
Q: Did you know the term "maverick" originated in Texas, when a cattleman named Mr. Maverick refused to brand his cows. He claimed he didn't want to hurt them, but others argued he just wanted to claim all the free range cows. Do you think free range cows is a good name for a rock band? As president, will you do something involving branding irons and Congress? Explain.
Submitted by Im4loosechange from Evans, GA
A: Explain what?Answered 09/16/08 11:13:53 by Dave Barry
Q: Oreos are often advertised as "Milk's favorite cookie". Dave, does Beer have a favorite cookie?
Submitted by from
A: Yes. It is called "another beer."Answered 09/16/08 11:13:28 by Dave Barry
Q: If you've never shot a wolf or a moose from a helicopter, what can you, a Floridian, possibly offer to compete with that kind of qualification?
Submitted by We're Game from SF, CA
A: I have shot helicopters from a wolf.Answered 09/15/08 10:38:35 by Dave Barry
Q: Update From Tahiti: Have completed your earmarked $200 million Beer To Anywhere STOP Next Priority? STOP
Submitted by Cliff the Contractor from SF, CA
A: Shh.Answered 09/15/08 10:38:15 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, a document has been discovered in England that says that baseball was played in England in 1755. Has that game ended? http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/surrey/7610016.stm
Submitted by Abner Doubleday from Cooperstown, NY
A: All of the players involved in that game have received lucrative offers from the Yankees.Answered 09/15/08 10:37:49 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, Every time I wash my Dave Barry for President shirt, it gets more faded and wrinkled. Is that symbolic of anything?
Submitted by Steve Bradford from Lincoln, NE
A: Not as long as there is no shrinkage.Answered 09/15/08 10:36:53 by Dave Barry
Q: Now that your bandmate Amy Tan has an opera, will you, A) Write and star in a ballet, B) Throw her out of the band for actually knowing something about music, or C) Make her Secretary of Culture, after your inauguration?
Submitted by wishnevsky from winston salem nc
A: We in the band are deeply troubled, not only because Amy wrote an opera, but also because it apparently has WAY more than three chords.Answered 09/15/08 10:36:21 by Dave Barry
Q: How often should a person remove the spiders from his or her ears?
Submitted by Peter Parker from Manhattan Projects, NY
A: At minimum, hourly.Answered 09/15/08 10:29:58 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I was recently arguing my political views, and I told the other person that Palin had more political experience than Obama. Her resounding defensive statement..."Technically". Dave, what "technical" experience will you bring to the Oval Office?
Submitted by Krista from Hobe Sound, Fl
A: I was governor of Alaska while serving as a U.S. senator from Illinois and also organizing communities of snowmobiling moose-shooters.Answered 09/15/08 10:28:42 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I wanted to remind you about the first Presidential debate on September 26 in Mississippi. You should practice what you want to say since you'll be asked some really tough questions.
Submitted by from
A: My plan is to alternate my answers between "True" and "False." It worked in high school.Answered 09/15/08 10:27:34 by Dave Barry
Q: dave, several people said i should NEVER wear brown shoes with grey pants. but i really LIKE brown shoes. if you are elected presdient will you make them stop saying this can never be done? i think it is not a big enough issue to justify the use of actual military units, but i am not sure what else the FBI really does since they caught al capone, so maybe they could be enlisted. people don't want to cross the FBI so much if they can avoid it, especially over sartorial matters. also, mango chutney on chese nachos: yes or no? thanks
Submitted by lew from orlando, florida
A: True fact: I was in my 40s before I realized that you were not supposed to wear a brown belt with black shoes, or a black belt with brown shoes. So ever since then I have observed this rule. And where has it gotten me? NOWHERE, that's where.Answered 09/15/08 10:25:17 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, are we running out of questions? Have you considered getting a pair of sassy glasses to raise your sex appeal?
Submitted by two eight eight thre from Menlo Park, CA
A: I look exactly like Tina Fey when she is not wearing makeup and I am. But of course you read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media.Answered 09/15/08 10:23:26 by Dave Barry
Q: Clinton had his saxophone. Obama has his youth and charisma. How will you attract the youth vote?
Submitted by Jodi from Dallas, Texas
A:Answered 09/15/08 10:21:47 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, if elected will you still allow the residents of Miami to vote in official elections?
Submitted by AmazingThor from Siloam Springs, AR
A: Are you insane?Answered 09/12/08 12:49:08 by Dave Barry
Q: TO THE WITNESSES THIS WILL NOT SOUND INCREDIBLE COMPARED TO THE AVERAGE READER. A DESK SEARGENT WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT ITS DEMONIC EXPLAINED TO ME SCIENTIFICALLY THAT I SOUND PUT A HANDFUL OF OATMEAL IN MY POCKET AND IT WOULD DRAW THE CHEMICAL BEFORE IT LANDED ON MY BODY. IT WORKED AND I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL OVER THIS IS WHAT WITNESSES MUST DO IN ORDER TO COME TALK TO ME. IT WILL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU'VE EVER DONE, OR ELSE TALK TO OFFICER CHRIS ANDERSON. THIS OFFICER CAME TO TALK TO ME AFTER I WAS ACCUSED OF HITTING A CITIZEN. I EXPLAINED TO HIM I DIDN'T HIT HIM I WAS TRYING TO HOLD HIM, AS I KNEW HE WAS PUTTING CHEMICALS ON ME. AND COULD PROTECT MYSELF WITH OIL PAPER. OFFICER ANDERSON EVEN HAD MY HEARTBEAT ON HIS INTERCOM. HE SAID THEY RAIDED THE GREEK BAR ON EASTLAKE AND COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING TO STOP THIS ACTIVITY, AND LET ME GO. I SUPPOSE THE DEMON HAD THE RIGHT DECIEVED PEOPLE INSIST I BE CHARGED EVERY CHANCE THE DEMON HAD WAS MADE TO MAKE ME LOOK, AND SOUND LIKE A BAD PERSON. BECAUSE I SAID THAT MY HEARTBEAT WAS BEING BROADCAST THEY INSISTED I BE COMMITTED. THE DEMON TALKS ON THE PHONE, AND PLAYS THE PROFESSIONALS LIKE PUPPETS, AS WELL.
Submitted by Robert in Yellow Hou from Seattle, Washington
A: This will be my highest priority as president.Answered 09/12/08 12:48:48 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr Barry, it seems that your administration will, er, single handedly revitalise the stripper pole industry, thanks to your planned White House makeovers. What other industries can expect to be revitalised while you are in Tahiti?
Submitted by Silarnon from New Zealand
A: We will see a surge in the pizza-delivery sector.Answered 09/12/08 08:09:35 by Dave Barry
Q: Critics of the Barry campaign claim that this is the wrong time for Booger Diplomacy. How do you respond?
Submitted by dsutton24 from Illinois
A: To what?Answered 09/12/08 08:08:56 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I recently had the learning experience of visiting the emergency room of a local hospital. The care was excellent, although the first hour or so consisted of me answering questionnaires while writhing in excruciating pain, and the second through fifth hours consisting about 90 percent writhing in pain, until I suggested that they might administer a particular treatment which I knew worked. As a result, I was presented with a bill upon leaving for $2,800, a figure that did not include the doctor's services, which mainly consisted of a sales pitch for the idea that I should be admitted for "observation," as thought they suspected I might turn into a chicken and didn't wish to miss the transformation. Dave, and I repeat, Dave, when you are president, will you make it policy that cases such as mine will actually result in the patient turning into a chicken without the "observation?"
Submitted by Foghorn Leghorn from Dunnellon, FL
A: Sure, as long as it is a consenting chicken.Answered 09/12/08 08:08:46 by Dave Barry
