The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 196 - 215 of 2985 (Page 11 of 150)Q: Dave, will you be setting up a Strategic Jalapeno Reserve, to assue a continued supply of salsa in the event of another salmonella outbreak?
Submitted by Marty from Dallas, TX
A: It will be located next to the 78-million-gallon Federal Emergency Margarita Storage Tank.Answered 07/31/08 15:22:00 by Dave Barry
Q: The Chinese are very concerned about being able to identify the actual gender of each Olympic athlete. As both a presidential candidate and concerned citizen, what are you going to do to make sure they are correct so they don't screw us out of our gold medals?
Submitted by AC/DC in California from Escondido, CA
A: I think the Olympics should be a fair and open competition, where the medals are awarded solely on the basis of which country has paid the most for TV rights.Answered 07/31/08 08:30:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I assume that Cheech and Chong will be campaigning for you, now that they have reunited?
Submitted by Nash Bridges from San Francisco, CA
A: Dude.Answered 07/31/08 08:26:57 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, John McCain thinks that being a big celebrity like Britney or Paris is insufficient as a qualification for president. Is he out of touch, or what?
Submitted by Lindsay from Rehab
A: Britney and Paris who?Answered 07/31/08 08:25:31 by Dave Barry
Q: The Secret Service uses code names for the president and first lady. If you could choose your code name and that of your wife's, what would they be?
Submitted by Drew from San Antonio, TX
A: IAnswered 07/31/08 08:24:34 by Dave Barry
Q: I promise to vote for you, wash and wax your lawnmower, and rename all six of my sons "Dave Barry is a Genius" if you will only answer yes to this question: Will you be covering the Olympics in Beijing?
Submitted by Eisenhower the Sumer from Honolulu, Hawaii
A: Yes.Answered 07/31/08 08:21:04 by Dave Barry
Q: The Wikipedia page for the yam says that "In many cultures the yam is considered the most sensual of the tubers." Would you allow the band "Sweet Potato and the Sensuous Tubers" to play at your inaugural party?
Submitted by Isn't wikipedia from Hutchinson, Kansas
A: I assume these are consenting tubers.Answered 07/30/08 09:56:12 by Dave Barry
Q: Do you believe in the Invisible Hand of the free market?
Submitted by Milt Friedman from Voodoo, LA
A: Yes. In fact, I have blamed it for several incidents in crowded elevators.Answered 07/30/08 09:54:05 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you expect Brett Favre will ever pronounce his last name correctly?
Submitted by Stan Featherstonehau from Le Havre, France
A: Unlikely, since it is "Goldblatt."Answered 07/30/08 09:52:36 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you have a spot for Jerry Lewis in your administration? (Just stay calm and do as he says.)
Submitted by Dean from Las Vegas, NV
A: He has a plan for paying off the federal debt. In a single weekend.Answered 07/30/08 09:50:17 by Dave Barry
Q: I'm not so naive as to suppose you might openly propose a progressive "soak-the-rich" tax structure. But will you at least soak the Uber-Gazallionaires some?
Submitted by Cass Warfare from Solidarity, OK
A: When I am president, the entire US tax burden will be borne by Donald Trump.Answered 07/30/08 09:45:17 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave - I recently went to the movie website IMDB.com and looked up 'Marley & Me'. Why would a burgeoning great film star such as yourself want to be President? I mean, even the cast credits clearly show you are destined for greatness: Dave Barry ........ 'Party Attendee'
Submitted by Chris from Indiana
A: If I don't win the Academy Award for Best Party Attendee, it's fixed.Answered 07/29/08 16:50:43 by Dave Barry
Q: One candidate is always talking about the serge in Iraq and how good it is. I don't think that serge--or even worsted wool--is a good fabric choice for that kind of hot weather. (I'd suggest seersucker or light cotton myself.) Do you have any position on what people in particular countries should wear?
Submitted by Donna Karan from Clothes Horse, NY
A: European men need to stop wearing preschool-size bathing suits.Answered 07/29/08 09:24:12 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr. Barry: We've finished converting the south wing Ballroom into a Bumper Cars arena, per your instructions. Any other major design changes you want? (Please notify us ASAP as the Tahitian building codes are complex.)
Submitted by Guido from the Second Bulldozer
A: How is theAnswered 07/29/08 09:22:23 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I recently ate a Dark Chocolate Organic Chocolate bar recently. It was the worst candy bar I ever ate. Dave, as President will you have congress hold hearings to determine why organic chocolate tastes so bad?
Submitted by from
A: I blame cow flatulence.Answered 07/29/08 09:21:39 by Dave Barry
Q: Dear Mr. Barry, I may be mistaken, but I believe you are the only presidential candidate to have a sewage station named after you. This can't possibly do anything but add to your already illustrious campaign, don't you think?
Submitted by concerned voter from Sweet Home Alabama
A: Don't I think what?Answered 07/29/08 09:21:18 by Dave Barry
Q: What would you do about the grave environmental problems caused by cow flatulence?
Submitted by Kevin Bennett from Rexburg, ID
A: I would issue a stern warning. (Get it? A "stern" warning? Ha! McCain and Obama would KILL for this material.)Answered 07/29/08 09:20:58 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what will you do to Whip Inflation Now?
Submitted by Herb Stein from 1975
A: I will get a swine-flu shot.Answered 07/29/08 09:18:34 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, it's getting more and more difficult to find new ways of expanding the Deficit. What would you do to innovate deficit spending, the backbone of the American economy?
Submitted by Everett Dirksen from Senate Office Building
A: We may have to heat federal buildings by burning U.S. currency.Answered 07/29/08 09:18:03 by Dave Barry
Q: Reagan called on Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. Are there any walls you would like torn down?
Submitted by Walter Walls from Wall, S.Dak.
A: It might be time to tear down Wall Drug.Answered 07/28/08 17:31:08 by Dave Barry
