The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 176 - 195 of 3092 (Page 10 of 155)Q: Sarah Palin is getting lots of criticism for not going on 'Meet the Press' and facing the tough questions - but I havent seen you on 'Meet the Press' either. What question are you ducking anyhow?
Submitted by don from kville nc
A: Those were consenting iguanas.Answered 09/20/08 16:20:33 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I'm just saying. That said, let me say this about that. I think we can all now agree that the tire-pressure advice didn't solve the country's problems. Having said that, how do you see this playing out? I'm just saying.
Submitted by christopher armitage from
A: Yes, you are.Answered 09/20/08 16:20:04 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, whenever somebody talks about the 1970's, they almost always talk about how much the 70's sucked. Will people in the future talk about our current decade with equal disdain?
Submitted by from
A: It will be known as "The Pits." As in, "Back in The Pits..."Answered 09/20/08 16:19:37 by Dave Barry
Q: Carly Fiorina famously LOST Hewlett-Packard MILLIONS of DOLLARS, then left, with MILLIONS of DOLLARS for her severance package. Would you want her as your advisor? Why?
Submitted by Still Amazed from Preposterous, Innit?
A: Duh. Because she has millions of dollars.Answered 09/19/08 09:48:57 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, after watching TV for only five minutes, here’s what’s going on inside my brain right now: “Ask your doctor, ask your doctor, tell your doctor, ask your doctor, tell your doctor, tell your doctor, ask your doctor. . .” So what’s the deal here? Do the makers of these insane drug ads think the entire U.S. population is sick? When you become president, could you please require that taser guns be aimed at these morons with a direct link to our remote controls? I can just hear it now-- “If you experience an erection lasting over four hours, tell BZZZZT! EEEEEAAAAAH!!! PLOP!” America is ready, Dave!
Submitted by Sparky from Boise, ID
A: My solution is this: All doctors should promise that if a patient asks them about any medical product advertised on television, they will respond, "That stuff will kill you."Answered 09/19/08 09:44:18 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, while you are out, please pick up a case of beer, two bags of pretzels, a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, fries, two savings and loans, and a brokerage, no ketchup.
Submitted by Jamie from Miami, FL
A: No need to go out and purchase a brokerage. There is one on your doorstep right now.Answered 09/19/08 09:42:33 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, some employees of the Interior Department, mineral regulators, were caught in bed with the oil industry, the very people they were supposed to be regulating. Is this your idea of effective government?
Submitted by Ron J. from Tulsa, OK
A: Was the oil industry consenting?Answered 09/19/08 09:40:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Today, McCain economic adviser Carly Fiorina bluntly stated that neither John McCain nor Sarah Palin were capable of running a major corporation (she said the same of Barack Obama and Joseph Biden). Clearly, the economic situation needs someone in charge equipped to deal with chaos. Has driving in Miami made you the most qualified candidate?
Submitted by Krinkle Bearcat from Tacoma, WA
A: I would say that, based on the events of the past few days, nobody running our major corporations is capable of running a major corporation.Answered 09/18/08 09:17:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Why oh why does it seem like the economy really really sucks and everything is going to hell?
Submitted by Concerned from Resident of USA
A: I'm sure everything will be fine. Or, not. Either way, I plan to be living in Tahiti at taxpayer expense.Answered 09/18/08 09:14:10 by Dave Barry
Q: Federal Grant Dollars are being spent on all sorts of important research, such as on understanding the mating habits of fruit bats, etc. Would you send large wads of cash to researchers, and what would you have them study?
Submitted by Ima Broke from Needdamunney, OH
A: That is a waste of large wads of taxpayer cash, which could be much better spent on making me comfortable.Answered 09/18/08 09:13:06 by Dave Barry
Q: I JUST WANT THE RIDE TO STOP, OKAY ? GETTING REALLY SICK NOW... is the election OVER YET ? ! ?
Submitted by Tired Puppy from Voter Fatigue, Everywhere
A: I am SO with you.Answered 09/18/08 09:11:47 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr Barry, not only is Friday "Talk Like A Pirate Day", it is also Nude Day and Loud Shirt day. How will you be celebrating these auspicious occasions?
Submitted by Niri Tacen from New Zealand
A: Arrr.Answered 09/18/08 09:11:02 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, would be in favor of saving Merrill Lynch, but not Pierce, Fenner, and Smith?
Submitted by E.F. (Betty) Hutton from Wall Street
A: My feeling is, if we taxpayers are going to own all these companies, we should be allowed to use their jets.Answered 09/18/08 09:10:49 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, recently Ralph Nader released a video online in which Nader talks to a parrot about his (Nader's) Presidential campaign. I have to say I was shocked. I didn't even know Nader was running for President this year.
Submitted by from
A: Was it a consenting parrot?Answered 09/17/08 08:45:47 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you support the Bush Doctrine?
Submitted by Jacob from Dallas, TX
A: Yes, and at the same time no.Answered 09/17/08 08:44:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, You never answer my questions. What does this say about your responsiveness to voters?
Submitted by J.K from Reno, NV
A: Your questions are very important to us.Answered 09/17/08 08:44:37 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, everyone seems pretty impressed that Sarah Palin gunned down a moose. When do you pull out that picture of you standing over the bullet-riddled carcass of the 57-pound cockroach that crawled out from under your fridge?
Submitted by N. Narray from Tombstone, AZ
A: You should have seen its mother.Answered 09/17/08 08:44:09 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I’m sure you heard about the Australian state minister who was asked to resign after dancing drunk in naught but his undershorts on a couch at a late-night party in his Parliament-owned house. If I understood the story correctly, the only reason he had to resign was that he lied about his shenanigans, stating that nothing “untoward” had happened at the party, and then later his boss received too many reports of him in his underwear to ignore. So the obvious lesson here is that as President you should be COMPLETELY UP FRONT about any naked or mostly-naked drunken couch dancing, and you will come away at least with your job intact, and if you’re lucky, more popular than ever. Something like this can really haunt you forever though, if you’re not careful. Case in point: I have a brother who still bears the nickname “Tighty-Whiteys” due to a similar indiscretion he committed 13 years ago. (True story.)
Submitted by Steve from Lancaster, CA
A: Does he want a cabinet post?Answered 09/17/08 08:43:55 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, my drive-up ATM machine has Braille dots on the keypad. Should I be concerned about this?
Submitted by Glenn from Boise, ID
A: Those are for Florida motorists. We also have Braille stop signs.Answered 09/17/08 08:42:05 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, how are you going to prevent the drug resistant "super lice" from infesting your Tahitian presidential compound?
Submitted by Itchy from Scratchy
A: Waterboarding.Answered 09/16/08 11:18:30 by Dave Barry
