The real presidential front-runner
Dave BarryMcClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Dave's blog | Dave's columns on MiamiHerald.com | MiamiHerald.com: Political Currents
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 1 - 15 of 2722 (Page 1 of 137)Q: Dave, where will you be driving 55 MPH?
Submitted by McGruff from Safety Lane
A: Maybe in the living room.Answered 07/12/08 11:15:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Will you still be able to do all the eavesdropping you want with this new FISA bill?
Submitted by Connie from Roslyn, PA
A: I don't understand why the government goes to all this trouble to listen in on phone conversations, when you can go anywhere in America and hear any number of Americans SHOUTING INTO THEIR PHONES.Answered 07/11/08 09:04:08 by Dave Barry
Q: I really said "I want a cup of nut sauce."
Submitted by Jesse from Chicao, Ill
A: That's even worse.Answered 07/11/08 09:02:45 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, recently you claimed that American voters would associate you with the word "booger". Dave, look at yourself: your hair is ugly, your face is ugly, your skin is ugly, your clothes are ugly, your sense of humor is ugly, and seeing as how you mock songs like "I Write The Songs" and "Looks like We Made It", you clearly have an ugly taste in music... face it Dave, the only word American voters will associate you with is "ugly".
Submitted by Barry Manilow from Los Angeles, Ca
A: Hey, do you have a deal where every tenth facelift you get is free?Answered 07/11/08 08:59:56 by Dave Barry
Q: How are you preparing to defend your coconuts plantation? Just curious
Submitted by Jessie Jackson from Chicago
A: You stay away from my coconuts.Answered 07/11/08 08:57:21 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr. Barry, I realize that you are the personification of the stupid American, who has not the slightest knowledge of geography or international politics, but even you should be aware that Tahiti is a Department of France. Your proposal, therefore, to appropriate most of Tahiti for your Presidential Mansion is unacceptable, and any attempt to implement it will be considered an act of war, to which the French Government is prepared to react with the most strenuous pouting.
Submitted by Nick Sarkozy from Elysee Palace, France
A: Oooh.Answered 07/11/08 08:54:54 by Dave Barry
Q: Former Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas) said he thinks the US is in "a mental recession." Do you agree?
Submitted by Tom D. Lay from Enron, TX
A: I... what was the question again?Answered 07/10/08 17:10:45 by Dave Barry
Q: Mr. Barry. It has been a life-long dream of mine to follow in the footsteps of other Great Americans such as Roscoe "H." Hillenkoetter and William "Hedgcock" Webster and become Director of the CIA. What must I do to be appointed to this position during your administration?
Submitted by SmartAss from Berlin, Germany
A: Send me aAnswered 07/10/08 09:38:51 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, the Supreme Court has said that the detainees at Guantanamo Bay must have lawyers. Is this not cruel and unusual punishment?
Submitted by Fat Tony Scalia from Washington, D.C.
A: I see nothing in the Supreme Court ruling requiring that these be live lawyers.Answered 07/10/08 09:37:50 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, I am a truly awesome guitarist, but I want to use a fake name for my on-stage persona. All the good names have been taken, like Slash, or The Edge. Since you are Mr. Language Person and part of a rock band yourself, can you help me out here?
Submitted by Milton Fernfarmer from Toledo, OH
A: You could be: The Condiment.Answered 07/10/08 09:36:29 by Dave Barry
Q: You are unknown in Australia. How do you expect to make friends with Australian politicians who have always had an alliance with the USA?
Submitted by Barbara Dowling from Canberra Australian Capital Territory
A: I'm unknown where?Answered 07/10/08 09:33:21 by Dave Barry
Q: How will you deal with a Russian President who is well over four feet tall?
Submitted by Okie Down Under from Auckland, NZ
A: I will speak frankly with him about our common interests, then put my cigar out on the top of his head.Answered 07/10/08 09:32:44 by Dave Barry
Q: I have a footwear preference question: Are you for or against flip-flops?
Submitted by Johnnie McClaim from Mesquite Grill, AZ
A: Definitely.Answered 07/09/08 09:47:34 by Dave Barry
Q: DAVE, WHO WILL BE YOUR RUNNING MATE AND WILL YOU MAKE HIM/HER STAY HERE?
Submitted by CAROL from DUBLIN, OH
A: I HAVE ANSWERED THIS QUESTION REPEATEDLY. BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?Answered 07/09/08 09:47:19 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you remember the first question you ever answered on this forum? The question came from Howard from Sacramento, California. Howard asked "Why is man born only to suffer and die?" On Monday, June 18, 2007 at 11:02 PM and 41 seconds, you said in response "I would have to blame women."
Submitted by from
A: OK.Answered 07/09/08 09:46:46 by Dave Barry
