Oh, dear, this is disconcerting: I appear to have become a member of a minority group.
That's right — I am an Older White Male — an OWM. And if the Nov. 6 election results are any indicator, we OWMs are no longer in charge.
You others have no idea how jarring this is for us. I mean, we have been running the show in this country from the get-go.
Heck, we’ve pretty much been running the entire world for what, a millennium?
Losing control of the world is only half of it. Do you know who we’re losing it to?
You got it — people who are after our hard-earned stuff.
I’m talking about you, women, the young, African-Americans, Hispanics, Muslims, agnostics, gays, single moms and anyone who is taking even one centavo from any government, including you moochers on unemployment.
Here’s my suggestion to you, you deadbeats: Get a job!
Oh wait — you don’t have to. You can just take all the things we OWMs have accumulated over the years through our thrift and hard work.
No doubt you’re wondering what “thrift” and “hard work” are. Look it up, you slackers!
It’s hard enough to turn over the nation’s power to people who, by virtue of their gender, race, age and religious leanings, don’t deserve it. But I also worry about what they will do when they have cultural muscle.
My chief fear is that they will, a la George Orwell’s “1984,” rewrite history and destroy the OWM belief that 1950 suburbia is The Way America Ought To Be.
You remember 1950s America — tree-lined streets, houses filled with happy, nuclear families — Dad and Mom, Junior and Sis (and Spot and Fluffy). Dad taking the train to work, Mom in the kitchen where she belongs, and taking care of the children.
I grew up in the 1950s in one of those lovely towns, west of Boston, and, I tell you, it was the model of a correct America then and should be the model now.
It’s true that for some of us an occasional unpleasantness intruded. I and my friends, for example, had fathers who were emotionally distant. Some kids, myself included, got beat up on the way to, during and after school for oh, seven or eight years.
We would hear that the principal was making whoopee with the married third-grade teacher or that the pillar of the banking community was raking some off the top.
But we wouldn’t let any of that interfere with our reality. Any time our belief system had a brick hurled at it, we had plenty of cultural reinforcements to keep us strong.
Chief among them was the television, with Ward and June and the Beaver, Jim and Betty and Bud there to remind us of where the truth lay.
We OWMs have kept that world view all our lives, imposed it on the nation through the media, and, frankly, have done pretty well for ourselves.
And now some upstarts want to take that belief system — chief among the “things” they want to strip us of — away from us?
This is more than unsettling. I just wish I had someone to share my distress with. It can’t be my wife. She’s, you know, a woman. My sons are young, and are teachers — a key freeloader demographic — so I can’t trust them.
I could talk with my hero, Bill O’Reilly. He’d get it. But I understand he has been committed for clinical depression. And one of my other OWM mentors, Karl Rove, has apparently contracted advanced apoplexy.
As for Mitt, who surely would empathize, I understand he is in his vault in the Cayman Islands — right next to Scrooge McDuck’s — communing with his coins.
So I’m in a bit of a bind. I could retire — just get off the stage with other OWMs. I qualify for Social Security and Medicare.
Yeah, I think that’s what I’ll do. I’d better do it fast, though, before these new people mess with my government benefits.
Wait — what did I just say?