With friends like Eric Rudolph, the Olympic Centennial Park bomber, who needs enemas?
Terry Nichols, that's who.
Nichols, imprisoned for his role in the 1995 Oklahoma City terrorist bombing, is suing the Bureau of Prisons in Colorado for – get this – not putting enough insoluble fiber in his prison diet.
As a result of the processed food he's forced to eat, Nichols claims, he's in a constant state of constipatory discomfort and has been for 30 years.
Rudolph, imprisoned in the same supermax prison as Nichols, has weighed in on the issue, essentially writing a friend-of-the-creep brief stating he, too, suffers bouts of irregularity because his prison diet lacks roughage.
The poor babies. Is it possible that all homegrown terrorists are missing is a hug and dietary fiber? Could it be that Nichols might not have helped Timothy McVeigh murder 168 men, women and children at the Murrah Federal Building had he merely been able to obtain some Pluto Water and raisin bran? Would Rudolph have eschewed blowing up abortion clinics and the Olympic park had his digestive tract just been regular?
Not likely. Both of these murderers are right where they belong, in the prison deemed home to the worst of the worst criminals. It's unimaginable that either would have been redeemed simply by adding whole wheat bread to their meals.
In his "declaration" on behalf of Nichols' lawsuit, the unrepentant Rudolph wrote "Having all my meals brought to me in my cell, I have no control over what I am served... According to my sincerely held religious beliefs, God has made us in his image. ... Our bodies are therefore sacred. ... The long-term effects of eating refined foods is severe hemorrhoids."
The lawsuit would be laughable were it not for the terror wrought by the diarrheic duo.
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