INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
Big Starbucks with tables and leather chairs.
Five people are meeting in the back: three from Channel 8, two from Channel 79, the public access channel 8 subsidizes.
From Channel 8: Brad Franklin Station Manager; Mike Thompson, Program Director; and Jane Lee, Sales Director
From Channel 79: Lu O'Neil, Manager; Spud, Alternative Programming.
BRAD(to Lu)You're back to being 79's Manager?
LUYeah, I'm expecting to need health insurance any day now.
LUI said I'm expecting to need health insurance any day now.
JANEOK... so how long have you needed it?
LUEver since the strip I peed on turned blue and I started throwing up every morning.
BRADSooo, how about we get on to the meeting. Where's "don't start anything without Ace Reporter Terry Duncan?"
JANESaid he'd be late -- something about Super something -- Tuesday?
MIKEOh, that'd be a first -- Terry covering something that doesn't require a ball.
BRADOK -- let's get to it, he can catch up. So what's up first?
LUWe've been watching Letterman --
MIKEJust recently or for the last ten years?
LU-- And he's doing more politics -- more guests, more on the monologue and then there's the Top Ten List.
BRADYeah -- that's kinda what he does for his $20 million.
LUWell, we want to do it too -- at 79 -- but just the Top Ten.
MIKEOh, good. So he's only gonna sue us over the Top Ten - not poaching his guests from New York or stealing his monologue?
SPUDBulls eye, dude -- because we thought it out. We're not doing the Top Ten.
BRADThen what are we doing?
SPUDe're not, like, stupid, or something. We're doing the Top Eleven --
JANE-- and I thought for just a moment there was some hope of selling into it.
BRADSo, you got it with you?
BRADGot milk, for Christ sake. The Top Eleven whatever the hell it is!
SPUDWhoa, decaf, dude - decaf. (looks at the paper) OK. Herrree we go: Eleven Reasons People are Diving Out of the Democratic Presidential Campaign.
Lu hands everyone a sheet of paper.
LUWe typed 'em up for you.
Everyone looks at the paper as Spud reads them aloud.
Top Eleven Reasons People are Diving Out of the Democratic Presidential Campaign
- 11. We need eleven so Letterman doesn't sue our ass.
- 10. Never heard back from Sean Young on her speaking tour for us.
- 9. Without Mike Gravel there's no one to make fun of.
- 8. Can't handle the ambush interviews from Katie Couric anymore.
- 7. Still can't tell Iran from Iraq on a map.
- 6. Just don't have time for this and the re-fi, too.
- 5. Two words: "Hillary Clinton".
- 4. Can't get a hotel room at the convention.
- 3. Watched the end of "The Candidate" and it scared the hell out of me.
- 2. Took the Giants and 12 with the rest of the campaign funds.
- 1. Oh mamma, it's O'Bama!
BRADThere's eleven. And it rhymes.
SPUDTotally, dude - we nailed it!
BRADYeah, so -- speaking of candidates dropping out, where we gonna take it?
MIKEI think we go straight up reporting, don't spend a lot of time analyzing it because in another week or two, half the country isn't even going to remember their names.
JANEI always hate to agree with my ex-husband, but I agree with Mike. I can't sell into yesterday's candidates. Gimme some hope to sell, some horizons, some success.
MIKEYeah, right now they're dropping like flying toasters. Thompson's out, Giuliani's out, Edwards is out --
SPUDWasn't he the dude that said he was staying in until like, the last dog was hung.
LUThat was Michael Vick.
JANEYou know, I kinda liked Edwards' message but in the back of my head I kept thinking, "Go home and be with your wife while you still can. This isn't your moment -- you're the wrong sex and the wrong color.
The group erupts with "Ooooo", "Whooooa, and "Owwww".
MIKEYeah, now that's too bad.
JANESee -- even my ex agrees with me.
MIKENo, actually I was thinking about going to lunch with you after the meeting, but not if I'm going to get the hell beat out of me both the NAACP and NOW.
LUWell, he WAS the only adult at the last Democratic debate. That was so third grade, "Teacher! Teacher! Look at me!" Then they're like "He's looking at me!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are too!" That wasn't enough so they went, "She pushed me!""Did not!""Did too!""Did not!""Did too!"Makes me proud to be an American knowing our leaders can kick butt at recess.
BRADYeah, but even if you're the only adult in the room, if you can't take your own home state, you just ain't gonna win -- ask Al Gore. (looks around)So what do think of the new Republican front-runner?
SPUDYou mean like, what's he gonna do in Arizona?
MIKEWhat's he gonna do? He's gonna beat 'em like a Taiko drum. Look, Giuliani will be the first candidate ever to lead on Labor Day and not even make the convention, so all he's got left is to endorse McCain and then try to figure out what else he can take credit for.
LUThat's kinda harsh.
MIKEWell, how about this oner, then: with McCain's comeback, Romney's best chance is a sudden endorsement from the HGA. Now Obama, on the other hand --
LUHolster up there, cowboy -- what the hell's the HGA?
MIKEHairdressers Guild of America?
LUThat's cold. Stone cold.
MIKEYeah, but not bad for improv, right?
BRADThe newsman in me says not to print that.
MIKEFortunately you don't own a newspaper. And speaking of which, Obama's looking --
LUWhat's Obama got to do with newspapers?
SPUDWell, he's in them all the time. Hello?
JANEDid anyone bring donuts?
MIKEObama is looking more and more like a giant killer.
BRADI dunno. This race is turning into a vision vs. executive thing. What do you want, someone who has the leadership vision to inspire somone or someone who has the executive skills to execute?
LUWhy can't we have both?
BRADBecause this isn't an After School Special. And no matter who tells you differently the fact is that visionaries are not good managers and managers have no vision.
JANESo you don't think they can be complementary? Like bacon and eggs.
MIKEMore like pie and chile.
LUPie and chile?
MIKEYeah, too much pie and you throw up. Too much chile and you shi--
BRADWe get the metaphor.
LUSo what you're saying is we have to choose?
MIKEPie or chile. Order up!
LUWell, I don't agree. I think they're ALL giants in their parties - McCain, Obama, Clinton - and they're ALL patriots to the country. We should be able to have the best leadership available, not just one skill-set.
BRADAll that may be true, but in the real world it boils down to vision or management. Doesn't matter if they're giants or patriots.
Terry Duncan shows up.
TERRYSorry I'm late -- we decide who's gonna win?
JANEThe only thing we've decided is that there's going to be an ass whooping in Arizona.
TERRYThat ain't exactly a news bulletin, you know. (a beat)So, if we all agree, we gonna put some money where our mouths are?
TERRYYou don't have any money?
SPUDYeah that. Plus which, I don't get what you're talking about.
LUYou think we should call Vinne?
TERRYScrew Vinnie. We don't need him for an office pool.
BRADAssuming Mike is right about Romney, how do you make a pool with three-and-half candidates?
TERRYWhat is this, Three and Half Men?
MIKEWell, there's Obama, Clinton, McCain and Romney in the cheap seats. Three-and-half.
TERRYWhat the hell are you talking about?
BRADSuper Tuesday? THE most important votes cast in the primary?
TERRYAre you high? No one cares about Super Tuesday until Monday. I'm talking about Super Sunday -- the Superbowl, the REAL SuperBowl! (looks around) Now, who ya betting on: the Giants or the Patriots?
LU(sighs)I was kinda hoping for both.