Commentary: N.C. lawmakers seeking more guns, fewer nipples

The News & Observer (Raleigh, N.C.)February 10, 2013 

Guns don’t kill people: nipples do.

Say what?

You could easily reach that conclusion after reading Friday’s N&O.

You see, at the same time that state Sen. Stan “Bring ‘em loaded” Bingham was introducing a bill to allow armed volunteers to patrol schools, two other North Carolina legislators were introducing a bill to outlaw exposed female nipples.

Let me repeat that. One legislator wants to allow armed volunteers to patrol our schools, while two others want to protect us from exposed nipples on the streets.

It’s debatable whether or not Representatives Rayne Brown, R-Davidson, and Tim Moffitt, R-Asheville, have their fingers on the pulse of the people, but they have identified a problem no one outside Asheville knew existed and criminalized it.

Nipples, guys? Really?

And more guns in schools? That’s your solution?

Oy vey!

Because we’re eternal optimists inclined to give elected officials the benefit of the doubt, we should try to view both of these proposals as fulfillments of party campaign pledges.

Remember how most Republicans promised that “jobs” would be their number one priority?

Although it may not look like it, these two pieces of legislation could prove that they’re keeping their promise.

For instance, while the proposed armed marshals patrolling school hallways would be volunteers, those guns and bullets aren’t going to make themselves, are they?

Why, the Colt .45 and Ruger factories could be humming around the clock to keep up with demand if the proposal to put more guns in our schools catches on nationally.

As for the bill introduced by representatives Rayne and Moffitt, somebody’s got to enforce compliance. You know those leering old men who give women the heebie jeebies?

Now they’ll be “conscientious public servants” who get to leer on the public’s dime to make sure nothing is peeking through that shouldn’t be.

The duo’s heavyhanded response cost them an opportunity to provide an economic boon to Asheville, even though former Asheville City Councilman Carl Mumpower told the Asheville newspaper: “There is not a problem in our state with women running around exposing themselves.”

But what if people thought it was a problem, at least in Asheville?

Chances are that the world-renowned Biltmore House would suddenly become only the city’s second-biggest tourist attraction.

When I talked to Mumpower, he called the introduction of a state bill to address a local issue “overkill... like using a shotgun approach in a mouse hunt.”

Mumpower is no fan of public nipples — he helped create the www.gobrainless.org website to combat www.gotopless.org — but he is even less of a fan of big government and hypocrisy.

“I’m a conservative Republican and I don’t like criticizing other Republicans,” Mumpower told me, “But we’re either for big government or we’re against it. I’m taken aback by how my party talks ‘small government,’ but uses big government as a trump card when it suits them. This is a perfect example.”

Amen, brother. Y’all join me in applauding Mumpower’s candor and desire to limit government’s intrusion into our lives.

Now if he could just think of a way to keep boobs with guns from intruding into our schools.

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