Commentary: Father Time hits his 2012 highlights

The (Tacoma) News TribuneJanuary 4, 2013 

To mark the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013, we found Father Time on his way out the door to wherever guys like him go and engaged him in his last interview.

Question: Thanks for taking the time, especially given the fact that you’ve run out of it.

Father Time: Thanks for mentioning my fate. Remind me why I agreed to talk with you again?

Q: Your legacy, maybe? So, quite a year, huh?

FT: Great question. I guess you’re no Piers Morgan. Yeah, quite a year. Frankly, though, I’m glad to be done with it. This year stuff is a young man’s game.

Q: What were the highlights for you?

FT: The Republican presidential debates.

Q: Was not expecting that.

FT: They were fabulous. Whoever was ahead got ganged up on by the rest. And then another one of them was in front, and it started all over again. It was “Survivor” for political junkies.

Q: If you say so. Anything else stand out?

FT: Oh, you know, the usual: war, starvation, mistrust, evil people with guns, political polarization, mayhem in the name of religion, the Yankees. Kind of what you’d expect from any year.

Q: Any fond memories?

FT: Gov. Rick Perry trying to remember the third agency he was going to kill. That still cracks me up. And New England losing the Super Bowl. I made a lot of money on that one.

Q: Wait. Is it legal for you to bet on sports? Don’t you know what’s going to happen?

FT: What are you gonna do? Call the cops?

Q: I suppose not. Hey, you look great in the robe, by the way. I hear the Old Testament look is coming back. Quite a contrast to your early days in the top hat and the sash.

FT: You do not want to see me in just a sash. Red meat, cigarettes, Scotch, no sunscreen. I have not aged well.

Q: You should take better care of yourself.

FT: So I can live longer? I get a year. That’s it. You tend to live for the day.

Q: Did you get a chance to talk with 2013 as he passed by? Perhaps give him some advice, get a little glimpse of what the future holds?

FT: I did.

Q: And?

FT: He said, ‘baa-baa, goo-goo, baa-baa.’ And then he wet himself. He’s a baby. Not big on conversation yet.

Q: So, no advice?

FT: I told him to stick with the disposable diapers. Lay off the smokes until at least February. And once he’s old enough, he should buy his Scotch in Oregon. Lot cheaper.

Q: Anything else?

FT: I told him to put it all on the Seahawks to win the Super Bowl.

Q: You’re kidding, really?

FT: No, I’m just messing with you.

Q: Why is the New Year always portrayed as a baby in a top hat and diaper and the old year is shown in a robe and long white beard?

FT: Hey, I just work here. My guess is it’s all about the new – youth, hope, optimism. Not sure about the top hat. Seems kind of formal.

Q: And you?

FT: I guess I’m supposed to look old and decrepit, one foot in the grave. Typical pop culture discrimination against senior citizens. For instance, I don’t have an hourglass, I have an iPhone 5. And who uses a scythe, anymore? I mean honestly.

Q: Any regrets?

FT: Only that my time here has expired before the BBVA Compass Bowl. I was really looking forward to that one. Classic. I’m taking Pitt and the points.

Q: Probably smart. Well, I know you have to go to … ah, wherever. Thanks for the chat.

FT: Yeah, I’m out of time. Keep an eye on the little guy. They grow up so fast.

Reach Peter Callaghan by sending email to Twitter: @CallaghanPeter

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