Commentary: My life according to spam email

The (Tacoma) News TribuneDecember 4, 2012 

Taming email ILLUS.jpg

DAVID STEINLICHT — MCT

Real subject lines from emails in my spam file (not including those offering Russian wives, enhancement products or written in Cyrillic alphabet):

“Land for Sale In Malwana”

I’ll bet it is.

“Whattup?”

You’d have been the hippest spammer about 10 years ago.

“I can’t believe you helped me save over $500 on this Bags”

I can’t believe this Eithers.

“Discover a Unbelievable Bottle Transported to your Mail”

Is there a Genie inside?

“I can’t believe you helped me save over $1,000 on this watches”

Spamming as a second language.

“Get a Astonishing Box Transported to your Mailbox”

Is there a Bottle inside?

“Fwd: Re: Wire Transfer Confirmation”

First a bottle, then a box and now a wire?

“This won’t take long”

You’re right. It won’t.

“peter.callaghan, For you Only! (Open Now)!”

I wasn’t gonna open this, but since they know my name!

“$30,000 a year is not a miracle!”

When I was your age, $30,000 WAS a miracle.

“Update Your Account Info”

Sure, let me get my Social Security number first.

“FINAL ATTEMPT I’m done emailing you.”

Promise?

Re: Your Flight US238-38974258

Nice try, but my flight No. is US238-3897425-NINE.

“Final attempt to reach peter.callaghan - please review”

I took the period out of my name years ago.

“Your Payoneer Prepaid debit MasterCard has been loaded with $1677.00.”

This must be for real because it has that registered trademark thingy.

“Re: End of Aug. Statmeent required”

This couldn’t have been meent for me.

“YOU MUST RECEIVE YOUR FUNDS”

Well, if I must.

“Thursday’s Special: 50% Off Our Most Popular Decorative Words & Phrases.”

I already have enough decorative words and phrases, thank you.

“Are you taking on new clients?”

Not until I’m off parole.

“Automobile made in China, we are looking for partner in local to set up assemble plant”

Sorry, I’m not taking on new clients.

“YOU have been sent an E-CARD!”

I don’t even open these from people I know.

“You’re my only favorite”

You are somewhat unique.

“Guys you it yet did not see, it so considerably”

Thanks it, no but did.

“peter.callaghan, I want You! (personal)”

Sorry, only respond to those who want me professionally.

“Your friend 32 .......This message is only urgent if you want to profit online........................”

Hey 32, long time no chat.

“Make SURE You Read The ENTIRE Email”

I guess I have to open this one then.

“Security message: your account may be compromised.”

And you need my Social Security Number, right?

“Dogal yollardan hemoroid tedavisi”

I don’t even want to read about hemorrhoids in English.

“YOU HAVE BEEN COMPENSATED”

Thanks. Now stop yelling.

“Land For Sale in Galle - (10.5 perches just Rs.7 lakh.)”

I would never pay more than Rs.6 lakh for 10.5 perches, unless it has a nice view.

“I was looking for you”

Thanks for the warning.

“CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL”

OK. I WON’T TELL ANYBODY.

"Help Mr.Tudor Wijesekara to Live a Healthier Life"

By sending him my bank account number?

“Why not to try?”

Is that you, Yoda?

Reach Peter Callaghan at peter.callaghan@thenewstribune.com. Twitter: @CallaghanPeter

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